Done. It’s all over.

This post is related to both Words that hurt pt.2 and Love is Scary and me as a whole.

During these past days, I was a little lost in what was going around me. I was so focused on myself that I couldn't see the other side.

This is the continuation of my "Words that hurt" post.

[!] - This post will be very long and will contain lots of drama.
My right arm is injured, but more than that, I'm destroyed emotionally. I am not even sure if I want to post this, but as I've said before, writing/typing calms me down. 90% of the contents are a re-type from my real diary.

Random post-sleep picture of my ahoge

Other random details about me is in the about section, in the navigation above.

July was a stressful month except for the last week. It had its ups and downs overall.
August was so so, and September is hell so far.

Hello, today is Wednesday. A day I don't get any sleep and my friends, depression and anxiety, come visit me. I decided to make a post again, trying to be a little more active over Blogger, but also because I need to calm down.

It's a quarter before 4 AM as I'm typing right now. It has been pretty windy since yesterday and because of the wind banging against my louvre I am able to be this awake. It wasn't the wind alone though, but the depression and anxiety.

My head and back hurt from doing my homework over 20 hours, sitting in front of the screen trying to do something. However, what hurts more is my chest. It feels as if something was pressing against me, forcing me to choke constantly and hardly breathe. Yes, I'm having a mental breakdown right now. I was happy over the weekend, but once Tuesday arrived, I got this uneasy feeling right here.. right now. Again, I cried until a few minutes ago. I'm so lost in life..

Why are you feeling this way though? Answer is one word: college.
College or university, whatever people call it. That's what makes me question my entire life.
I'm aware I haven't even lived "half" of my life yet, but this stage of life is stressing me out so much. I wonder if my career, graphic design, is actually what I want to do? If it is, I hate it very much at the moment. And if it isn't, then what is it that I want to do?

In my previous post, I talked about how I just wanted to get married and skip this college student stage. But it's not only living as a housewife. Of course I want to do something more. I just don't know what that is, but I am certain I want to do a job that I can do at home.

As of now, I'd like to take a break and try to figure out what I truly enjoy doing and how I can get a profit out off it.

Taking a break means to stop going to college for some time. I'm sure I can't do that while living dependently with my brother, because he'd tell me to work instead.. which I don't want to do yet. I can't work because I can't get out of my shell and talk to strangers. I'm too shy, too weak. No, I'm simply a coward. Ahh.. I think I'll skip today's class too. My mind's starting to deteriorate.

I wish I could go home for some time. Unfortunately, my parents won't allow me to do that. They don't understand that I'm depressed and anxious. They don't even think of them as illnesses, even though it's already proved that they are.

I don't know what to do with my life right now. I want to clear off my mind from this stress. Maybe travel around or play some games only for a period of time. I want to live a future in which I'm happy to go to work.

Someone, send help.. please.

It was Saturday. I had gone to sleep a little past 2 AM. My body couldn't hold it any longer as all this week I had barely been sleeping. At around 7 AM I could hear my brother getting ready for work. He only works on weekdays, but this Saturday was an exception. 5 hours of sleep wasn't enough for the tired me, so after sending a few replies to my friends (I often just fall asleep waiting for their replies in a matter of seconds ;_;), I went back to sleep. However, now that winter is ending the sun rises earlier and I kept waking up every hour. Nevertheless! I got plenty of sleep.

I did some chores at home instead of doing my homework, and then had to leave for church and dance practice.

That day's topic was "Let's! Series part 4: Marriage". Yes, marriage! A few weeks ago I was talking to a friend about me having dreams about having kids two years ago. Well, not only were dreams about kids, but family and a husband overall. Then after a week I had another dream about marrying a guy. I didn't write it here because it was just odd haha. But anyway, back to topic, that day's words were interesting. The pastor's words were all about marriage; that it isn't the end or ultimate goal of your life, but instead it's just the beginning of your life. Marriage isn't happiness, but a process of achieving happiness. He kept saying "Go on! Get married!" Hahah, he was setting us the pressure of getting married fast. He was hurrying us!

For so long, when everything wasn't going my way (not that it is right now anyway), I'd say I just wanted to get married and live my life as a housewife because I'm old fashioned. I don't like going out, and the fact that I'd be welcoming my husband home and raising my kids just sounded right and happy. I know that even to this day there are families like that; the husband going to work while the wife does house stuff and takes care of the kids. So I still hope that I will be like that too! It's not like I want to live like that because I'm lazy. It's because I easily get depressed and/or anxious and I don't feel like going out at all. So staying at home is my best remedy, cooking and baking... and then greeting my beloved; that'd make my day! I'm very family oriented, although my family in general (aunts and uncles included) aren't like that. ^^;

Anyway, after church I was supposed to practice for our worship dance but only two people, including myself, were present while 4 were missing, therefore practice was cancelled. Even with us two, the practice room was locked.

After that we, along with a few more people, went to have dinner and some chit-chat! We had fusion food (Korean+western style) and fried chicken! I appreciate fried chicken because I can no longer deep-fry food as a trauma was generated after my cooking accident earlier this year. I ate lots!




I had a really fun night and after my friend/senior drove me back home, I was supposed to have a movie night with my internet friend. It didn't happen because I was too exhausted and none of us brought up the topic anyway. But earlier today we talked about it, and we should be watching it tonight, unless something happens.

As of today, I had dance practice and it was very tiring. The tempo is really fast and even though I know the steps, my body won't follow. I need to do some self-practice at home sigh..

I went back home and after scrolling and lurking through the internet I finally took a nap, still without doing any homework. I'll do it tomorrow for sure.. hopefully. So now that my energy is back I hope I will be able to watch the movie with my friend!

Good night~

Yup. August is now gone.
Current status: breaking down.

[!] - Might be a long read.

August was a ride full of emotions.
I befriended, re-encountered, and distanced myself from different kinds of people; online and offline.

My one-week vacation ended.. August 1st was the day I returned to college.

Remember my last post? I downloaded and re-played a game. Sometimes I'm happy I did that, but sometimes I regret it. I know it gave me joy and was my escape from reality, but I was just so comfortable with such fantasy that once I had to return to college, my body and mind began to deteriorate.

I no longer go to class every day. I'm partially exempt on Monday classes (I only have to hand in a report once per month), no class at all on Tuesdays, and full time class Wednesdays to Fridays. However-

This week there was a holiday on Monday, so we had what we literally call it "holiday bridge". So my team and I went to retreat camping.
This retreat's theme was rest. Because all the team members are young adults, we face anxiety from time to time. We go to either college or work, or even both; we do feel insecure about some things.
One of the activities was "helping hand/friend", which requires you to help or give gifts to a certain person, usually of the opposite gender.

From past retreats, this one was the most calm one. For weeks we'd been told to prepare a prayer title, or a maximum of three prayers. Of course I won't say it here what it was about, but I can say it was about what I'd been posting here on my blog. So in this Christian retreat I finally let my dying soul cry out loud. I needed to get rid off those dark feelings. Cry all that depression out and finally clear my heart and mind.

But on the last day out of the three, I lost control of my renewed heart.

Yep. I'm still breathing and surviving.

After my latest post, things started to get better and worse and so on. But through that I learnt that life works just like that. You happen to have the best day ever and then the worst sh*t ever. (Wow, that's the first time I've written like that but I'm dead serious today). So yeah, I'm valuing my life more and more.

I read my past blog entries and honestly, I sounded so lame. But I feel that way because I'm NOT in a bad mood today. Though I'm still sad that I have little time left of the weekend before boring Monday arrives. Those entries about suicide are so lame I want to bury myself in dirt, but I'll keep them posted just to prove myself and anyone else that I'm finally over those thoughts.... maybe (?)

Anyway! This post is to let you readers know that I'm still living and slowly, yet steadily, moving on. Nope, my life is not getting perfectly better but like I've said earlier, I am getting my ups and downs (and I should be worrying), but instead of pitying myself over that, I'm trying to give off a smile continuing with my belief that good things will happen sooner or later. I'm keeping my hopes up.

I flunked at a project in college (both due by and second chance OTL) and I don't know how to improve it, but I'm not depressed over that. Maybe I'll be in the near future for the last chance, but today is not the day! I also have a history final in two weeks and the worst thing is that it's an oral exam, which unfortunately are my weaknesses (history and oral), but then again I'm not worried today. Could this be because of my procrastinating habits? Hahah.

So.. in summary, the reason I came across to this post was to finally realise that life is not only about good things. God himself let us know that He does not intend to give us good stuff only. We'll suffer and have bad days, but if we hold onto Him then everything will turn out fine.

The following is a bible verse that has helped me during my project presentations the past month. I hope it does the same for you.

want it all to end?

After my latest post, I had been depressed until late the day after (Sunday night). A friend of mine, whom I had a fight with, exchanged our apologies. That was one of the many reasons I was feeling suicidal, but the weight was lifted off after our reconciliation. Plus, I opened myself a little to her about the problems I was having. She said she'd be there for me, and that she would be my crying shoulder. It felt somewhat good, rather say.. it felt nice. I thought it was better for us to forget about the fight and move on (and it'd also help me focus on studying for my history test the next day).

So I did that during this week. I tried moving on, getting rid off this depression and getting my hopes up. I took my test, but I was tired as I hadn't slept properly so I went home instead of continuing with classes. I went home to rest, but even if I didn't do so physically, I did rest mentally. I was trying to forget every negative thoughts, encourage myself that I do indeed have a purpose in life, and that everything would eventually turn up alright.

Hello.
I guess it's time to finally announce it on the internet.
I'm someone who suffers from social anxiety and depression.

I never thought I'd be someone like that, but it just happened. Just as I was starting a new stage in life.
College life sure is a new experience. For many people this experience is somewhat good, or even better than expected; and for some other people the experience is a replica of what we call hell. Sadly, I'm part of the latter group... for now.