[!] - This post will be very long and will contain lots of drama.
My right arm is injured, but more than that, I'm destroyed emotionally. I am not even sure if I want to post this, but as I've said before, writing/typing calms me down. 90% of the contents are a re-type from my real diary.


Last week I was fine, but like always, the bad days had to come. This week was all tears and struggles.

On Monday night, I was making dinner when my brother came back home. Can't remember if I mentioned this before, but I live with him only and no one else. I greeted him, because it was natural of me... and you know he's the only family member I have here. I said Hello~~. His answer? Shut up.

Perhaps he had a bad day at work, or he was really exhausted after the gym, so I wanted to be forgiving about his response, yet I was somewhat hurt from those two words. Then he goes into the bathroom and starts complaining about how there's water in the countertop. His complaint were towards me, he was blaming me for that. I told him it wasn't me, and if it was, it should'd evaporated long ago yet he kept insisting it was me. I immediately lost my appetite and my mood was ruined. I finished making dinner, told him it was ready and went straight to my room to lie on my bed. This same day (in the morning) I had injured my arm/joint by lifting something heavy and my arm position wasn't right (and it still hurts). Anyway, I was frustrated but somehow fell asleep.

On Tuesday I woke up earlier than usual as I had gone to sleep much earlier too. Yet I didn't want to leave my bed. I was still stressed and upset. The day passed by and I still wasn't feeling like myself. Once again I was making dinner. My brother then came back home. He didn't say anything, nor did I. Then he said "let's see today again" as he was walking to the bathroom. Of course he was referring to the countertop. It was dry though, because I washed myself in the shower. It's as if he wanted to scold me again. But as I proved him wrong I guess that punched his pride, or he was too embarrassed about failing to make me feel bad.. either way, he had to complain about something else. So he chose to complain about the salad that I made. That again pissed me off. My appetite was still dead, so again I just went to my room. I was very upset because he always has to complain about anything I do, even the slightest mistake.

On Wednesday morning, it rained. Because of that, the temperature dropped and it was cold again. I then went to my job and after that I could'd gone straight to the bank (and finish my work) and then home. But I took the effort to go around shops and do grocery shopping for special ingredients to make dinner a little more fit for that weather instead of salad. I was lacking nutrients/calories from skipping meals for two days (and barely had this brunch) so I planned to have some dinner before my brother came back and then go to my room and do homework. My plan was ruined when he came back earlier than expected. He didn't go to the gym. He didn't say anything, I didn't say anything either. I was yet to finish making dinner. He went to shower but because he doesn't take that long I served myself a bit of food so I could eat fast as soon as I was done cooking. I finished eating as he was still eating. Yes, we were together eating in the same room for a short while. I went to my room straight away. I was losing it.

On Thursday, I had barely slept. That night, when he came back home I greeted him, deeply hoping he would reply better this time. His answer? Bye.
The way he said that implied the words "get lost", so I told him 니가 알아서 저녁 해 먹어 (roughly translated to make whatever you want for dinner or make your own dinner). Basically, I told him to make his dinner because I was not doing it. Yes, I said it. I was already pissed off. No matter how tired you are, can't you at least reply nicely? Can't you simply say "hello" back? Or at least tell me you're too tired to keep a conversation. I was so mad I went straight to my bed. I closed my eyes and cried myself to sleep. Unfortunately the sleep didn't last long. I woke up, went to the bathroom, and back to my room again. He then asked me for dinner. In other words, he ignored what I had told him. My patience was at its limit (take into consideration that I'm a very patient person). I told him what I had told him, and you know what? He got angry. I was so frustrated. I lost it that night.

Although I had to do my homework, I lay on my bed, and as I had already lost it, I cried in frustration. It was unfair. Why is he the only one who can get angry? Why can't you be a little friendlier towards me? Can't I feel missed or welcomed? Can't you act like family at least once and say hello back? I cried and cried. And even now I still do. This very moment, as I'm writing this sentence now, I'm tearing and sobbing.

I was feeling lonely. The words "shut up" and "get lost" really hurt me. It felt as if I wasn't wanted, as if he was kicking me out. I wanted my family, I wanted my family love back. I was feeling very empty. I was missing home. I am missing home even now.

So I, under my blankets, called my mom. She picked up but all I could do was sob. I somehow managed to tell her what had been happening, and she proceeded to talk to me in a gentle voice. I could tell by her voice alone that she was feeling sorry for me for going through this. I asked her to not tell my brother about this, but she did so anyway the next day. Even after hanging up, after that long conversation, I continued to cry. As I weeped, I remembered the sad me from 2014, and also a night I cried out of anxiety/depression on August this year. I cried myself to sleep again.

Next, I woke up at dawn so I could continue doing my homework. Because of that I was very tired. I was all day with a swollen face from all that crying. I was still in a bad mood. Regardless of that, I cleaned the house in the afternoon and I again talked to my mom. That's when she told me she and my dad had talked and asked my brother if everything was alright.

While making dinner, I was listening to music. I didn't want to think about anything so music was the way to distract me. My brother came back but I didn't hear him. He got mad just because of that. I had a reason why I didn't respond: I had my earphones so I didn't hear him, unlike him who simply ignores me. I finished making dinner and while walking to my room I told him he could go to eat, yet he got mad because I didn't "speak clearly". Um.. excuse me? It's you who made me talk like that. Your bad mood makes me go into bad mood as well. Just because you do more work than me doesn't mean that I can't get angry or that you only have the "right" to do so. Think about others too, can't you?! Sigh..

On Saturday, I didn't feel like doing anything. I wasn't motivated to do anything at all. I was still stressed, frustrated. I had dried tears on my face, dark circles. I could feel my weight loss. After all, all I had for six days was some brunch and one dinner. I kept skipping meals. I wasn't being myself. I spent most of the day in my room. I cried and cried. My room was a mess, but my mind was even worse: dark thoughts again. I later stumbled across an old letter I wrote to myself years ago. My 18-year-old self saved me. I was going through a much worse situation back then, yet I wrote a letter of hope. How did I forget my quote from then? "Stronger than yesterday, weaker than tomorrow".

Today, Sunday, I just wanted to be out from home. I still cried. But at least I'm sure I'll go to sleep because I am tired rather than crying myself to sleep.

My brother and I still don't talk to each other. God, please save this family relationship..