This is the continuation of my "Words that hurt" post.
Sunday the 31st was the day I was out most of the day. I just didn't want to go home. I felt like running away, like losing control of my body and be forever lost. I didn't mind if a car ran over me. I didn't care if it rained and I didn't have any shelter. I didn't care if someone was trying to rob me and stabbed me with a knife, or shot me with a gun. As long as I didn't have to be 'home' with my brother, I was okay.
I barely convinced my friends to hang out with me. They were tired and wanted to go home, but thank God they changed their minds. So we spent most of the day outdoors. We went to different places. Because the weather was so good, I was hoping that my mood would get as good too. And although the girls were having fun, deep inside, there was something preventing me from really enjoying myself. A sense of emptiness. It was already night, I still hadn't come back home. Did my brother call me to ask where I was? He didn't. The night continued, and after finally getting back home, my brother and I didn't exchange any words. The day ended with me in a bad mood again.
The same routine of making his dinner earlier and me skipping meals continued. The same routine of not talking to or seeing each other continued. The same crying nights continued..
On Thursday night, I was again making his dinner. He got home and asked me something with an angry voice. Of course I replied the same way as I was still in a bad mood. And then he gets angry because my reply wasn't 'proper'. He then proceeded to ask/scold me why I was replying like that. And that's when I was about to lose it again. How ironic. You think "Shut up" is a proper reply? You think "Get lost" is a proper reply? is what I wanted to say but I was frustrated. I knew he was going to "defend" himself by bringing out something off-topic about me doing something wrong or not doing anything. I just didn't want to deal with any more. So I told him that he was treating me coldly, and as I saw it coming, he defended himself with You're the one who ignored me on Sunday. I didn't ignore him. I avoided seeing him. He didn't even talk to me, he didn't even come near me. Why does it always have to be me who has to keep this family relation? Why can't he act more like a brother?
That last question.. that's what I said out loud. Why? Why can't you just say hello back? Why can't you just reply nicely? If you're tired then at least tell me you don't feel like keeping a conversation! Do you really have to say "Shut up"?! Can't you treat me like family?! Why do you have to be like this?! -is what I tried to say. I said them out loud while crying but some words were cut off. My tears kept flowing down. My heart felt like it was ripping apart. It seemed as if I was not making any sense because my words kept getting interrupted by my sobs. Have you ever cried so much that you couldn't say full sentences, not even words? I was so angry at myself because this was a good time to tell him how I was feeling, but all I could do was cry and cry. I was frustrated that I didn't even finish making dinner and just ran away to my room. I lost it again.
I cried nonstop, I clenched my blanket and screamed out of sorrow. I was also frustrated because he kept acting as if nothing had happened, as if I never existed. Throughout these past weeks he should've noticed that I was skipping meals or that I wasn't eating with him. He should've realised that I wasn't being myself. He should've noticed that I was always in my room. He should've heard me cry every night. But never did he ask me what was wrong. As I kept crying I couldn't take off my mind that I was this useless, this lonely and this unimportant. I somehow fell asleep.
Later I woke up, and thought maybe I was being too emotional. I wanted to reason and try to understand this from a different point of view. So I consulted my only friend who knows how things are in this house. Talking to him really calmed me down. He's a good listener. I'm deeply thankful to have met him. Yet even so, I was still under emotional pain, but this time much less severe. I skipped Friday's class because I had spent the night (Thursday to Friday) talking to my friend online.
The next night, somehow.. things seemed to be much better. My heart and mind were yet to be prepared to eat with my brother again, but I finally had my dinner even if it was too early. When he came back home, I was in my room separating some clothes to put up to donation. He came to my room and asked me nicely if I had my dinner because he saw his was already prepared. God made his way so that my brother could see through my tears about what was going on with me.
Slowly, the days were getting better. Or at least my mood was.
On Friday night I had a group call scheduled with my closest high school friends. It really helped me cope with my emotions. I laughed a lot.. to the point of my cheeks hurting. The call started at 11PM and lasted until 10AM on Saturday. 11 hours talking and talking. Laughing while playing pictionary online. I had a blast and I was enjoying myself. I finally felt refreshened.
My brother and I were slowly in better terms. And finally on Monday we dinned together. It's been a week since then. I must admit that while we're now good, I did cry a bit while typing this post. Remembering these two weeks of sorrow, hurt me. Two weeks without eating properly, two weeks with tears and long nights. Two weeks with puffy eyes and dark circles. But now I can say this again: I'm stronger than yesterday, weaker than tomorrow.
Today, well.. yesterday Sunday, I talked with an irl friend about this. We're both Christians and what we talked about and made me reflect on is here.
Good night now, the sun is coming out already.
