내 생각, 내 마음, 내 인생: 2013

Vertigo (anime expo) and selfish people

Today is October 27th. The day the biggest anime convention in my town opens its door.
However, I wasn't able to go.

Since next year I'll be living in another country, I wanted to attend to this expo for the last time. I was anxious, but I only got to know about the expo yesterday. As soon as I saw the announcement, I asked my best friend if she could accompany me. She said that she couldn't since she'd be busy at the time I was available. "Oh well", I replied, "it's a late invitation anyway".

It seems like she felt bad, so she suggested me ask another friend out. Well, I thought for a couple of hours and then finally decided who to invite. But since she was without internet I decided to ask her today, (we see each other in church). I wasn't that sure that she'd go due to the lack of anime/manga interest.

If this friend didn't want to go, then my last card would be my brother. Well then, my friend said she'd "see". "Yay!", I thought until the moment she was no longer there. We were together until the moment I had to go upstairs to play the bass. When I went downstairs, there was no one.

Disappointed, I had to persuade my brother to come along with me. Going to a place alone where there are lots of guys in a dangerous city... hell no! Obviously I wouldn't go if it was like that. That's why I wanted my brother to go with me. I looked into the expo activities and there was a League of Legends competition as well as other games. "Oh that's good, my brother loves games", yet he still refused to go.

From all my "let's go~", there were many No's, but suddenly there was an "okay". Oh, how happy I was to hear that, but after half an hour he said "No, I didn't say such thing".
OH MAI GAWD. -_-

I'm completely pissed off.
Seriously, here comes my rant:
If you changed your mind, you should have said so! Why did you have to lie?! You know well you did say that. You agreed to go at the end. And then you say you never said that?! What the hell? Why do you make me look like a liar? It would be understandable enough if you were just honest and said you didn't want to interact with other people.
Also, the other you:
Why did you leave me? You knew that I was going upstairs for what 15 minutes?, yet you just left without saying anything? Why do you make someone happy and then destroy that smile?
Seriously you two. Be more reasonable and stay honest. If you didn't want to go, say so. Don't go lying or disappearing like that! You guys are selfish.
It was my last chance. Once I move out, I won't be able to attend to such events. I wanted to meet new people with the same interest (kinda, I don't like all anime genres), but you two just destroyed that one.
I know I'm shy. I know I can't talk to strangers. I know I'm not open enough. That's why I needed you.
I wanted to be with someone, feel safe, and enjoy my last expo in my hometown. Because university approaches, this might have been my last anime expo in my entire life. But it turned out that the last one is last year's, which I didn't enjoy truthfully. I had hopes it would be better. I missed such an event.
Thank you.
Just, thank you.
For ruining this moment.

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, by Remi

daily

September, Friday the 13th

Supposed to be "Marshmallow day" for my chemistry class.
I had tried to convince my teacher to let us make smores and eat them today. He approved it, so I was excited for some time.
Here's what happened though:

Yesterday I was doing my biology homework, which was some Q&A's and explanations with diagrams about immunity blah blah. I did all of it, and even overdid it. I included extra information which wasn't part of the homework, but was a better explanation than the information paper the teacher had given us. So well, the last part of my homework was explaining with diagrams how allergic reactions happen. I searched for those diagrams on the internet and drew them. After that, I realized I didn't know what to do with another sheet of paper -given by my teacher- that had diagrams similar to what I drew. I thought no more and directly started cutting them to later paste them into my notebook. Finishing that it was almost midnight, and bam! I remembered I didn't have any glue sticks or any sort of pasting material. So I said to myself: "It's okay, since the pieces are all cut, all I have to do is stick them tomorrow first hour at school, I'm sure 'x' friend will lend me her glue stick". And went straight to sleep.

As soon as I arrived to school, the first thing that came to my mind was meeting my friend and borrowing the glue stick. As I was sticking them, my friend laughed and said I didn't have to draw them, but to use those printed diagrams from the sheet of paper. I felt so stupid but oh well, more extra information I guess. I was about to stick the fourth out of six pieces when the first bell rang. Since my friend is in history class while I'm in chemistry class, we had to separate but she let me keep her glue stick.

Once in the classroom, I rushed to finish pasting all for once so I could enjoy the marshmallow day. But as I was putting the glue on the last piece, my chemistry teacher caught me. I wanted to explain what was going on - why I was gluing and why not at home. I wanted to explain that I didn't have any sticking material at home, but my words never came out. The teacher took my notebook and then I happened to say a little, but he didn't want to listen to me. I insisted to let me off just this time but later I gave up. There was no point in arguing with him. I didn't look at him, I didn't want to; but I knew he walked with my book to my biology teacher (since they work in the same room). I decided to stay shut, I didn't say a single word for those two periods. But my mind was full of anger.

When something doesn't go the way I want, I get angry and blame myself for not doing it right. But when there is something unfair, something that I shouldn't be punished for and can't defend myself, my inner self bursts into tears and falls into depression. My inside cries, and starts to break down. Outside though, I have a blank face. I stare at nowhere and constantly sigh heavily.

There was no desire of a marshmallow day at all from this teacher. Instead, he gave us work to do that lasted all the two periods. I felt deceived, and it hurt more because I thought he was one friendly teacher. I couldn't think about anything else except for the anger inside me. Even if the teacher called me a few times, I decided to stay myself closed, ignoring whatever he told me. He assumed that I now hate him. That isn't actually true, but it will look like that for some time, maybe even after I have graduated.

Even though my day sucked from the beginning of the day, teachers and students are different. Today I learnt that they can't be friends no matter what. They can act friendly towards you, but as teachers they won't let you step on them. I remember two years ago, I had a hatred towards my biology teacher because he didn't mark my "meiosis" right on my final test, saying that what I wrote was "metosis" which in fact doesn't exist. I slowly stopped hating him, and also stopped admiring him, since he was, back then, my favourite teacher. So yeah, from now on teachers are just teachers to me. There's no favourite nor best, just 'teachers'. ~~*cough* notice there's a possible 'worst' teacher *cough*~~

Marshmallow day = disappointment.
High expectations / excitement = down the drain.

Overall day = failure.

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, by Remi

daily

Vacations 2013 + Senior trip

Starting July, we got our long-wanted winter break. For the first week I went on a Nintendo DS lite spree. I wanted to buy one long ago and swore I was finally getting one this year, but ended up borrowing my friend's since I needed to save my money on something else -hint hint-. I had borrowed my friend's DS before to play pokemon until I had to return it. When I got to play it again, it was in the same spot I had left it all this time. I didn't feel like continuing it, so I decided to play another version of pokemon. I wanted the SoulSilver version and since I knew I had to return my friend's DS anytime, I simply downloaded an emulator and the game to play on my computer.

For the second week, I had already gotten all 8 badges. But then I went on a break. My parents, finally, allowed me to go on to my senior trip! I felt a little bad because supposedly my class would gather $400-600 for each student, but we only got ~$100. Woaw. ._. Well, something's something.. I guess.

My prom trip was awesome though. We went to Punta Cana, Dominican Republic. Had lots of fun, I finally got tanned and a star tattoo (a tan mark) around my neck. Well, I was tanning my body but then I fell asleep wearing my star necklace. Hahah. We also visited a beautiful island called "Katalina".

The water's so~~ crystalline!

Good thing is that despite not being a 'drinker', I had a good time there and enjoyed life.

Bad thing, though, is that I had stomach aches like the whole trip. Ugh.

Back home with gifts and souvenirs, I had to do my maths homework and continue with requests on DeviantART.

The next week, I went back to school because our 3-week break was over. It was freezing cold that many, I repeat, MANY students didn't come. It was a ghost school. Cold, gray, empty, you know - ghostly.

Aside from that and marching for some special day, I can't clearly remember much of what I did in school ever since we returned.

Now this week:

While drawing for a deviantart request, I noticed my computer's drives were almost reaching their limit. So I decided to format one of the disks. I moved files, formatted, and then moved them back to their original place. However, I noticed an important folder missing. That is my [graphics] folder, where all my drawings and work-in-progress are saved into, as well as screenshots of my lovey-dovey chats with a certain someone. All gone. I wanted to kill myself, and I still feel the same way now. I'm so pissed that I can't even explain this situation any further. If you're curious about what exactly - or so - happened, then you can check it on my Deviantart Journal. asdfg ;A; why am I so stupid..

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, by Remi

daily

It's been a month..

..since I last posted in my blog here.

Many things happened.

I had problems with my physics classes. Oh Physics, why do you hate me? I even had to go to the Physic's national competition. Seems like I'm not the only one who dislikes physics because.. there weren't as many participants as I thought there would be. But let me be honest, it was easy and there's no doubt I passed to the next phase. And not only did I pass the regional competition but the physics class itself too! 8D I really didn't know about that one. I mean.. I was failing and all that, but now I passed. It's strange because I had bad grades since the beginning of the year, but passed the trimester, surprisingly with good grades! Yay. /o/

Okay, apart from that. A TV was bought last Saturday, replacing the old square one. I had NO idea about that until the next night. I went to a dinner/party that Saturday and came back home around midnight. (No drinking btw, it was karaoke instead lol), so yeah.. I didn't see it. When my brother told me the day after, I thought he was kidding because that's his nature. After finally seeing the flat new TV, I got mad. Really mad. No jokes. "Why?", you may ask. Well, I was supposed to go on a senior trip with my classmates and since my family isn't any rich, money wouldn't be enough. They spent the money that was promised to go to my flying ticket on a flat TV. I know this sounds selfish. But try to understand me.. this trip would be the only and last trip I could have with my fellow classmates at this age! I cried that night and then my parents said they'd think about it because they didn't want me to go since the very start.

On Friday this week, my class had a meeting with parents. And the parental president said that if my class did their best, we could gather around $600 for each student. There's still hope!

So I asked yesterday my dad if he would let me go if my class gathers $600 for me, and he said yes. I called the parental president and told her about this, but she said that we might gather less than estimated. She told me to let my dad know about this issue, and so I did. When I went to his room, he was sleeping. I woke him up but he was still half asleep. I asked him if he would send me off if my class gathered around $400~$500 for me, and he said with a dull voice "yes yes yes" (uh-hu uh-hu). I called the president again, told her about what my dad said, and then she said she'd help me get the money. I REALLY felt like crying. ;o;

What more to say? Um.. my mom is leaving on Tuesday (21st) for 40 days. So I'll be starving for some time..

Oh! Also, WINTER IS FINALLY HERE. 8D Or that's what I think. xD It's really cool in here, but my dog hates it. Hahah.

I think that's all.

I'll try to be more active on my blog, even though I have this long chemistry essay.. I mean, who can do a minimum of 4000 words essay JUST about ONE experiment?! (Well 2 because it's a "rates of reaction" essay). But damn, it's way too much for a little girl like me. ;A;

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, by Remi

daily

Sunday 14th

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, by Remi

daily

Saturday at last

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, by Remi

daily

Doggie haircut

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, by Remi

daily

Easter

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, by Remi

daily

Good Friday

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, by Remi

daily

Good Thursday

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, by Remi

daily

Sad day

Poopie day again.
I had a hard time in school. My maths test was a mess. Wth domain and range, why are you so complicated? /slap.

My class (well, half of it) organized a small egg-hunt for primary 1st-2nd graders for Easter, today. That's because we're not having classes this Thursday and good Friday is also here.
Now, I don't really want to turn my journal into a rant, so I'll try to keep it short:

the one in charge of deciding who to take part in the "skip-class-while-I-egg-hunt" (let's call him "Ri"), chose a few classmates. Ri realized s/he needed two more people, and because s/he didn't know who else to choose, s/he wanted volunteers. No one else raised their hands but me. I had told Ri before that I wanted to take part of this event, but s/he decided to ignore me. Ri saw me (and my hand still up) and then called some other classmate's name to be written in the list instead of me. Hell, I bet I was the most excited about this event and then this happened. That BIG disappointment, and THAT betrayal. I don't understand? I was so mad I shed a tear. Frustration, stress. I don't know why it hurt me so much, but I do know that I wanted to punch Ri's face. Why, you may ask. My answer? Because s/he laughed. Ri laughed after seeing me and my hand up and then called some other's name without them volunteering. Ri also separated me from my friends. S/he took all my closest friends with her/him already knowing about my friendship with them.

Now that I think of it. It was double betrayal. Ri and my friends. If my friends were really friends, they would have wanted me to be with them. They would have asked Ri if I could take part in the event as well. But no, they didn't. Maybe it was their selfish thought of "Oh, I can skip classes", or maybe it was their excitement about the event that they forgot to ask about me. I don't know. But it could also mean they're not my real friends. I don't want to believe the latter. I want to keep believing they're my friends, and that I can rely on them, but it's hard. It's always hard at this age. There must be a reason for everything, so I hope I get to know about it soon.
I'm sorry. At the end, this turned into a long rant.

I wanted to forget about this morning, so as soon as I arrived home I grabbed my phone and logged into LINE play. I made new friends, but I know almost nothing about them, so it's not enough to make me forget about how bad my day was becoming. I left my phone in my room and went to the living room to turn on the computer. There, I just browsed through DeviantART and then ended up drawing an old anime character I liked when I was little.