want it all to end?

After my latest post, I had been depressed until late the day after (Sunday night). A friend of mine, whom I had a fight with, exchanged our apologies. That was one of the many reasons I was feeling suicidal, but the weight was lifted off after our reconciliation. Plus, I opened myself a little to her about the problems I was having. She said she'd be there for me, and that she would be my crying shoulder. It felt somewhat good, rather say.. it felt nice. I thought it was better for us to forget about the fight and move on (and it'd also help me focus on studying for my history test the next day).

So I did that during this week. I tried moving on, getting rid off this depression and getting my hopes up. I took my test, but I was tired as I hadn't slept properly so I went home instead of continuing with classes. I went home to rest, but even if I didn't do so physically, I did rest mentally. I was trying to forget every negative thoughts, encourage myself that I do indeed have a purpose in life, and that everything would eventually turn up alright.

That was the start of this week, but as time kept moving forward, my body started feeling restless. I had a project due to Tuesday, another test on Wednesday and theory class on Thursday. But I didn't attend classes on Friday due to fatigue. Since Thursday my left eye has been twitching every now and then... even now, after three days, it still does so. It's better now, from a constant twitch to a slow/'rare' one. I was worried though. At first I thought it was just a normal occasional twitch, but then I got really worried as it kept going throughout the days. I asked my brother's friend, a medicine student, about it and she said it was because of stress and tiredness.

I slept until late morning on Saturday, believing it was enough sleep for my eyes and body. Wrong, it kept twitching. That night, I went with the group to chill, we went bowling. Now.. I don't really like bragging, but I do fairly good in bowling games. I thought I would relieve my stress by playing a nice game but ARGH! I stressed even more. It was the first time I ever played so bad.

Today is Sunday. I was fine until some time. My eye barely twitched, yet it still wasn't back to normal. The cafeteria I work part-time in was messed up. The machine wasn't working and one of my co-workers didn't come. Also, the other one is quitting. Bad luck, Remi, bad luck.
As for the afternoon, I was waiting for my friend who was in a meeting, among other friends. I was indecisive as to what to do after she was done with the meeting. So at the end we went to a little cafeteria to have some cupcakes and tea. My friends were talking, but somehow I felt empty. I was away from their conversation, as if I didn't belong to the subject. Well, of course I didn't belong to the subject but I felt as if I shouldn't be there having tea and stuff with them. My thoughts were somewhere else, and as a excuse I acted as if I was sleepy. My heart was crying.

I was feeling sad. I didn't know why. I just knew, that I didn't belong here. There was miscommunication. No interest in their talk, no feelings of being part of that group. I just felt apart. I'm the new girl into the group, so I don't know their background. I don't know whom they are talking about nor their relationship with other people. It felt like they had a secret of their own, and I was excluded. And maybe that's how lonely I've been feeling since the past year. They're my friends but not the closest friends. They're people I see every weekend, but I'm still missing parts of their lives.

I don't want people to pity me, but I also don't want them to ignore me. I know I have to talk to them, approach them. But somehow, it's hard for me. I'm not used to being social, or the one to initiate a conversation with people.

So after the tea time, one friend and me left the table. They had a dinner planned for later, but I stayed out because of lack of money. I spent way too much this weekend that it made me feel bad for my hard-working brother. I went home and sighed heavily. I went to my room and proceed to cry silently in hopes of falling asleep.

However, I'm not feeling suicidal but rather lonely and sad. I still hold onto my hopes that everything will get better. So now I want to end these feelings not with suicide, but with hope. A smile that will brighten my tainted heart. A light in my darkness, a hope in my despair.

So this post is to anyone going through this stage.
End those negative feelings with a smile. Hit me up if you want me to hear your stories, either by comments or e-mail. I will also pray for you, as I'll keep doing it for myself and everyone suffering the same illness.
Stay strong people, for you and for me.