Hello.
I guess it's time to finally announce it on the internet.
I'm someone who suffers from social anxiety and depression.

I never thought I'd be someone like that, but it just happened. Just as I was starting a new stage in life.
College life sure is a new experience. For many people this experience is somewhat good, or even better than expected; and for some other people the experience is a replica of what we call hell. Sadly, I'm part of the latter group... for now.

The times I've cried in this stage are countless. I never felt so alone in my entire life. The fact that I got into college did not only mean to leave my high school classmates behind, but also my home.
As I stated in another blog post (and my other SNS), I moved to another country and ever since lived with my brother. My brother and I aren't that close, plus the age gap. We also have different ideals and points of view. We pursue different goals and we think differently overall. So he does not understand me as I don't understand him.

That's why I'm alone. I may have 'friends', but I don't have THE friend to talk about this matter. I don't have that special someone that listens to me and comforts me. I lack that part.

Ever since I realised how lonely I was, the thoughts of suicide have come round and round. Not just because I was feeling alone, but because I don't have a purpose in life. I have no visions of myself. I do nothing all day. I like to sleep and live in a fantasy dream. I don't like the term reality at all. I always think that I'm useless to my brother who always wishes I was more productive throughout the day. I have no goals but only wishes. I want the final product without going by steps.

I have tried different ways to cope with depression, yet I still haven't talked to anyone about this. I keep trying to fix this illness by myself, all alone. As contradictory as it sounds, I want to stop feeling alone by being alone. I want to meet people but at the same time I want to be away from them. Isn't it stupid, or rather say... funny? It's ridiculous.

I used to be innocent, but now I'm this crazy psycho that only thinks about death. I'm Christian so I tend to say "I want to go to Jesus as soon as possible and rest in peace forever. I don't mind leaving this world right now" instead of the common "goodbye cruel world".

Please send help.