I tried my best. I wanted to get rid off my feelings for him and just stay as friends.
I wanted to do all of this quietly, move on and act as if nothing happened.

There’s time and place for everything, right? Unfortunately you and I chose the wrong timing.

My birthday was near. All I selfishly wanted was to have a good time, so I tried my best to avoid any hard feelings that would make me sad.

There was a four-day weekend because of a holiday here. Thursday I went to watch a movie, Friday I went to a food festival. Saturday I went out with a bunch of people to the coast side after a good reunion. Sunday.. Sunday was a day to fill my mind with other stuff so I wouldn’t end up crying. And my birthday, on Monday, I didn't know what to do.. be sad, be happy, I just didn't know what was going on. 

A sense of nostalgia hit me. It's weird adding one more number to your age and just having people assume I've grown mentally when in fact I'm still myself, a sentimental crybaby. Not sure if I'll like birthdays now, they'll depress me. But funny thing is, I enjoy celebrating friends' birthdays.

This is not the first birthday when I felt.. I don't know, sad? I remember spending my 16th and 17th birthday working and ending up exhausted to even celebrate. I remember my 18th birthday being at the funeral and not even realising it was my birthday until a friend congratulated me.

Everything was going fine. Everything was alright. Everything was.

Of course I'm thankful to all those who congratulated me, sent me a message or two, called me, spammed me with emojis. Thankful for the dinner, thankful for the gifts.

Thankful for getting hurt too, I guess.

Someday it had to happen, right? I'm glad it did. But I wish it hadn't been this week.

No, he's not at fault. I can't blame him. If there's anyone to blame for, that'd be me. I take the blame because I was mental and emotionally weak. I was a fool. No, I'm still a fool.

I foolishly fell for him. I knew it was a bad idea, a bad choice. I knew I wasn't even allowed to. Yes, I am not even allowed to catch feelings. It's a long, complicated story.

But I couldn't help it. It's not that I wanted to catch feelings. My intention was not that.

The real reason why I say love is scary is simply because of the fact that I am not allowed to fall in love with anyone, not yet. When I do, I am then forced to stop that feeling. The reason is simple, yet the content is complicated: I'm simply not allowed.

My mother had told me that if I was to like someone, in a romantic way, but didn't meet her standards, then I had to call it quits. To cut ties with them or either just stay as friends. Easier said than done, right?

If I liked someone, I'd have to stop talking to them all while hurting myself. I am forced to shut myself from others before I catch any hard feelings. I am forced to get hurt and hurt people so they stay away from me.. That's why I needed to get rejected regardless of how he felt. I needed to get hurt so I could stop liking him because I knew I had gone too far with just liking him; get rejected to move on faster.

But how can I go back as friends when he already knows how I felt about him? I have done this "go back as friends" before, (he isn't even aware of it). ..But to do that with someone who already knows? God, how am I supposed to do that? I screwed up the moment I realised I liked him. I lost him the moment I caught these feelings.

God, I know you're out there. How and why did it have to come to light near my birthday? A day when I was supposed to be happy, why do I have to see myself crying again?

Is it possible to go back as friends? Or is it now too late? Is becoming strangers the only way out? To cut ties forever? What am I supposed to do now?

To you-know-who: this is not your fault. The title is not intended to you, I did it to myself. I'm sorry I was too weak, I'm sorry I ruined ourselves. I really am.

And to myself: do something. Don't just stand there and be afraid of reading his message.