Love is Scary
Wednesday, November 09, 2016I was just a girl in love.
Surrounded by his words, I forgot the world around me.
Enveloped by his warmth, I forgot how cold the weather was.
I was happy to have him in my life, regardless of the depression I was going through.
He was my light to those nights that seemed endless. But I could never tell him how I felt because, after all, I
noticed these feelings after we had drifted apart.
He was always the one to greet me, that’s what I liked about
him. He was straightforward, unlike me. I admired him for that. He had the
courage to do many things it seemed as if he could go afar.
Before this though, we didn’t know each other’s existence.
He had his friends, I had my friends.
Yet we were part of the same community.
Years later the previous community kind of died, and then he
approached me. I didn’t know that was him, he didn’t know I was me. We had
different nicknames from last time. As we kept exchanging messages, we told each
other who we were in the past and that’s how we got to know each other better.
There’s a saying that goes “You don’t know what you’ve got
till it’s gone” and then it’s accompanied by “Truth is, you knew what you had,
you just never thought you’d lose it.”. But no. The second part didn’t apply to
me. I didn’t know I was falling in love with him. I just saw him as friend.
However, after he stopped talking to me, I felt emptiness.
I don’t want to believe that he was selfishly playing with me.
I want to believe that his words during that period of time were sincere.
So why didn’t I just talk to him, as if I was taking his
test? Because I was scared. Perhaps I overthought the situation.. thinking that
he liked me, but what if I told him I liked him yet he refuses my confession? I
was scared of rejection (and still am).
Then I thought, maybe he is too busy to talk to me, since
the semester just started. And when I think about someone possibly having a busy
schedule, I automatically neglect talking to them because I don’t want to be a
bother, but I will always be there to reply even if I take a day.
I want to talk to him again, but I don’t know what to say.
It’s already too late now to pretend like this silence never happened.
It hurts liking someone so much after distancing from them.
How long has it been since I felt this way? This level of
anxiousness about love? 3 years? 4 years? It hurts more because I have never
met him physically, so I wouldn’t know who he is with, or what he’s up to.
This heartache..
I need to stop thinking about him, but I can’t help it.
Every morning I check my phone just to check if I got a text from him. And then
every night I cry myself to sleep because life is not going too well here.
His texts were enough to make my day. That’s how much in
love I unknowingly was with him.
How did I find out I was in love? Just random quizes and
tips on the internet did the work.
I’d get very excited and my heart would rush whenever my
phone vibrated in its specific pattern for this one app and then I’d be
disappointed to find out it was only my friend.
I can’t believe I’m stupidly in love. I’m not even sure if I
want to share this on the internet but I guess I’ll do it because I’m certain
I’m not the only one going through this.
Love is scary. It either makes you super happy, or super
sad.
I know I won’t be with this person forever, I mean.. look, we were never 'together' in the
first place. But even so, I still like him and I can’t stop it as of now.
I want to move on, but the situation I’m currently in, in
this house (real life), makes me miss him even more. I’m having such a hard
time dealing with family problems that I need to talk to someone to clear my
mind. As I said in the beginning, he was the light to my darkness. He was
enough to make me sleep soundly again, as cheesy as that sounds. But it’s the
truth.
There's one way
that will help me move on faster, but I am not certain if I'll be able to do
it. I need to confess to him and he has to reject me, regardless of how he
feels. I know it's selfish, but this is an unrequited love. I can't love him
fully because I know things will go bad in the future if we do go out. Before
the pain gets bigger, I need to stop liking him. In the end, I'll get hurt. But
it will hurt less if I get rejected, rather than endlessly wondering if he ever
liked me or not as we distance ourselves.
I wonder what made us drift apart. I wonder how he felt about me.
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