Last week, I told my best friend from high school about how my "love life" was going. She was surprised I told her how I felt about a certain someone. I asked her what she thought about him and the way he talked to me. She said it seemed that he was interested in me, but couldn't tell why he suddenly stopped. She also scolded me for being too dense. ;; Then she told me to go back online on Skype, as I had been out of it for a couple of months. She told me to wait a week, to be online as much as possible, but only for a week. "If nothing happens, call it quits, he's not meant for you". Tomorrow's the last day. If I do not get any message from him, it's over. As I heard that, I wasn't sure if I wanted him to message me or not. I could finally move on and forget him as a potential lover if he didn't. But I'm pretty sure I'd be so happy if he did message me.

I had mixed feelings, I still do but I'm starting to accept the fact that he has given up on me. Over this weekend, I was out with a few other friends. As usual, we talked about relationships and future events. My guy-friends talked about how they didn't like talking to bland girls, those who only listen and the guy has to keep the conversation going. They also openly said that a guy will always look at a girl's body. Even if their personality is nice, if she's ugly she's not "interesting". Of course there are people who don't look onto that. But let's be honest, guys are more visual than feeling.

I came to understand that maybe my crush liked talking to me but that was just about it. He never saw my face, just a few photos with most of my face covered because I'm always like that. So perhaps he wasn't interested in me as a potential love companion. It's understandable. And then I realised that I can't love anyone unless I loved myself first.

There's this one guy friend that also talked about how a girl is very interesting if she had ambitions. I don't have ambitions, but I do have dreams which are two different terms. To me, having an ambition is a strong desire for something as well as being decisive for that something. In other words, having an ambition is also having certainty. Most of the time I'm indecisive, but that's because I'm okay with either way/option. I'm okay with any option, obviously depending on the situation, because I'm happy and I know I'll be as happy with either way. Or maybe, I do have an ambition, but I'm not aware of it because I'm dense. Is having my own family an ambition? Who knows. Is living a happy life an ambition? I don't think so. Everyone wants a happy life, so it's not really an ambition to me. I've told my crush that I didn't have any ambitions, because honestly speaking I don't know what my ambitions are. Having an ambition is very specific, having a dream is more open.

Again, I don't know if these can be considered ambitions. I might be mixing up some words and definitions. But I can tell you that I have yet to find what I want to do with my life.

If my crush lost interested in me because I told him I didn't have any ambitions, it's pretty understandable. And I accept that.

To have an ambition is because you want change or good in your life. You want that good because you care about your life, because you love yourself. And that's what I lack: to love oneself. Well, I do love myself, but I don't love myself enough. I have yet to accept every single flaw within me.

After seeing all this myself, I decided that I wouldn't love anyone unless I loved myself first.

Moving on to the next subject, on Sunday I talked to another friend about what happened for two weeks with my brother. As Christians we know that God tests us through hardships. And I'm happy to say that I passed one of the many more to come. She told me about a similar experience she had with her own mother. Her mother favoured her younger sister more, and she felt unimportant. She was mad at the fact that her mother didn't do anything to better or improve their relationship as mother and daughter.  Then she told me that although she wasn't at fault, she suddenly saw what was going on. "To be able to see the problem means that God wants change in you first and then He'll move onto the other person. I know it sounds hard that you have to fix the problem in which you're not in the wrong. But I'm pretty sure that once you change, the other person will somehow see it and will eventually start to change as well. God opened your eyes first because He wanted change in you first." - is what she said.

As I stated in the previous post, my brother had no idea why I was upset (or perhaps he was pretending not to know but anyway,). I kept in silence, hoping that he would realise what he had done to me. But then I broke that silence and told him (sorta) how I was feeling. I did the change. Although it was my brother's heartless words' fault for me being so upset and depressive, I did the change to break this silence. And God made him see through my tears because obviously my words weren't clear enough. God made my brother realise that what he had been doing hurt me. If I didn't break the ice, those endless nights would have continued. God opened my eyes to change the situation and when I did, my brother did as well.

Sometimes one has to change first so that the other can change as well. This process of realisation is not as fast, sometimes it takes a lot of time, the same goes for the process of change.

I'll go back to my "love life" again, because everything in this post can be interchanged with the two other posts stated at the beginning. It's already too late now though, unless I get a surprise message within 24 hours which seems to be unlikely. The reason why I can't change or break the silence between me and my crush is because I realised I liked him when were already apart. Had I realised my feelings towards him sooner, I'd have tried to keep the conversation going.

Yes, I admit I like him, but it will be over tomorrow. Yes, I'll get hurt to not have heard from him, but I'll be okay. I will change myself first before I approach anyone else. I'm shy, it will be difficult, but I will change, even if it takes me twenty years. Is this an ambition? Who knows.

There's no doubt that if my crush was to message me between today and tomorrow, I'd fall in love for him again. I'm sure I'd go back to the first stage where I was hurt to know that I couldn't have him even if I wanted. But I can promise you that I will slowly change.

God knows what the best for me is. If God wants to set me up with my crush, so be it, I'll change so he can appreciate me more. If God wants me to find someone else, so be it. I'll still change for that person.

Now, what's this "change" I keep talking about? I'm not sure, but most likely is me being shy or prideful. I've come to realise that I'm shy at first, but once my shyness goes away with someone, I get prideful. I better stop this hidden "hard to get" act I had all along. I'll stop waiting for someone to come close to me. I'll be the one to take on the initiative.

Thank you, my crush and my brother for all of this. Two people, who made me happy and then sad, are indirectly changing me for the better. I'll still have my brother near me, but to my crush: thank you and goodbye.

To the me tomorrow: Congratulations, you're moving on faster than you expected.