My other brother (let’s call him Jack) and I went to pick them up on Saturday the 14th at 1AM. My eldest brother had his luggage checked and unfortunately, some of his stuff were taken away. It was all food, but it was food we can’t commonly find in this country or doesn’t taste as good. My brother doesn’t just stand by and watch his gifts getting confiscated, so knowing him he tried his best to convince the checker that those foods weren’t anything suspicious. He managed to retrieve a few of them, but oh well.. he wasn’t that satisfied. Because of this, my brother and his girlfriend took a while to pass through the exit doors. I went to sleep at 2:30AM after letting my unofficial “sister-in-law” ride the hoverboard.

In the morning, I went to work but spent most of the time playing pokemon ha.. and had a simple tuna onigiri (rice ball) for lunch. Then in the afternoon I went out with my friend for the last time. Much later, I was picked up to go have dinner with my family at Hard Rock. We had way too much I felt bad for having leftovers.

On Sunday after church, we went to have cooked duck at the place I mentioned in another post. Later that afternoon us four young adults played a lot with the Nintendo Wii, mainly the sporty games or those that require you to move a lot. We were pretty much tired, but we had fun. For dinner we had ravioli with scarparo sauce prepared by the girls, while both my brothers continued playing competitively. Our day ended with us playing even more.

On Monday I went to work in the morning while my parents, separately, went to get their health checked. My father and my eldest brother went to get my father a generaI check, while my mother and Jack went to see her results she had tested when she was ill. For lunch we went to a Korean restaurant with my cousin from my mom’s side and her family. I had 물냉면 (ice water noodles). In the evening, we went bowling. As we were 6 persons, we divided into teams of three. My team was alongside my father and Jack, the other team was my mother, my eldest brother and his girlfriend. Having my father in my team, it was obvious that we won! Although I must confess my eldest brother is just as good as a player. Jack is a funny yet amazing bowling player. Not because he is my brother but because he uses weird techniques like “super effect”, in which he swirls the ball instead of rolling it straight like how it is supposed to be. I'm aware players do spins effects, but his spins are too over the edge.

On Tuesday morning I stayed home with the rest of the female members (aka mom and unofficial-sis-in-law) before reuniting with the rest of the family. For lunch we went to this bakery/restaurant, where you get a full combo of salad, soup, main dish and dessert just for lunch! I finally received my package of necklaces that I had ordered two months ago over the net. In the afternoon, my brother decided to get rid off of the stuff that was no longer in use, or just trash in general. Goodbye to my guitars and the violin that no one ever played.

I arrived on Christmas afternoon. The flight was exhausting. Wasn't allowed to move for the first hour because of turbulence and it kept coming every now and then. I sat by the window, as usual. The seat next to mine was empty and then next to it was a cool lady whom I exchanged a few conversations with. We were given the migration papers after getting off from the plane, so while walking to the migration point, I wrote down my information. (Yay multitasking). Adjusting to the changing timezone was a piece of cake. The weather was hot and humid, I was feeling yucky but it didn't matter the moment I saw my parents. Thankfully, I wasn't stopped to have my luggage checked, which means my gifts (mainly food) were intact!

After my family picked me up, we went for some ice cream and then went home. My little buddy, my doggie, was kind of confused yet excited to see me. I later had a nap and spent some quality time with my parents.

On the 26th, my big family (uncles, cousins and nephews included), went to have lunch. We went to a restaurant 20 minutes away from the city, which is known for its delicious meals and live monkeys to interact with. My nephews seemed to have lots of fun.

On the 27th I hung out with my best friend from high school, who currently resides in Massachusetts, US. We walked around the shopping mall and stopped at clichéd Starbucks. Still talking about the good old days and sending snaps of me torturing some ginger man to our other friends.. we had a blast of a laugh. We then exchanged our Christmas gifts and she also gave me a few stuffs I had asked her to bring, obviously after having paid for them. And now, I finally have a new tablet! ;w;

A Wacom Intuos Pro!

Her gift! Thank you so much!

The next day I went to greet some acquittances. To name a few: my uncle and aunt, my cousins, my brother-in-law, my non-official parents-in-law (oh, childhood romance), my mom's friends, my maid, and some employees.

Following that day I had to go work at my parent's lil shop, while my father went to the main one and both my mother and brother took a flight to another city to resolve some business issue. (Damn scammers). I spent most of the day testing out my tablet.

Friday that week felt so long. I went to another shopping mall to meet up with my friends and went bowling. Seriously, that's the only sport that I enjoy playing. We played two lanes and I won both of them! They are stronger than me, but their accuracy... they need practice.

Then we talked about stuff that happened while we were apart. I had to be back at home before dinner, so that's when we said our goodbyes. Later that night my mom started to feel physically bad. I was with her the whole time, but it hurt to see her suffering as I couldn't do anything. She told me she was feeling strong cramps, but not necessarily were they cramps. She was on bed, sobbing and sweating. I held her hands tight, and called for my father. In my house, we're not easily convinced by doctors. We don't like relying on medicine, and going to the hospital is just for serious accidents. My mom was the one who taught us this, but she was also the one who begged my father to take her there. So, my parents, my brother and I went to the emergency room. My father had to look for a place to park the car, my brother went to get an emergency ticket, and I was there with my mom feeling nauseous. The service was awful. An emergency is an emergency, it's urgent. But the nurses were just telling me to wait. My mom's body temperature was low. Way too cold for me to remain calm. I had to leave my mom alone on the wheelchair because the doctor had called me to fill in my mom's information. Later they proceeded to check my mom. I was taken out from there, alongside my father. Only my brother was allowed to accompany them.

Both my father and I were tense. The night felt long, time was too slow. We feared the worst. We didn't know what was going on. Then, my parents' friends visited us. The tension wore off, but deep inside we were still worried. It was already Saturday 1AM. The friends were already gone and we could finally see mom. She was half-asleep. She was given painkillers, but even so, her body was cold and her lips were blue. Never in my life had I seen such lip colour. Her skin was very pale. I fought the tears back and as I smiled, I told her she was going to be alright. My father and I went back home, while my mom and my brother stayed. I could barely sleep, and my father hardly ever slept.

On Saturday I went to work with my dad. News already had spread, so a few acquittances asked how she was doing or what was wrong with her. She has Renal Colic. A 0.5x0.7cm kidney stone stuck on her urinary tract, which is the one causing her pain, and a 2cm one in her kidney, which, while it's still inoffensive, can cause problems in the future. We closed the shop earlier than usual, and then went to visit mom who had been transferred to another clinic. Mom, with the painkillers, was enjoying herself. She told us that the food she was given was surprisingly good, and that she might stay longer just for it. She probably told us that so we could rest assured. We stayed with her, and then waited for her return from the examinations. New Year's Eve was at the clinic. What a start of a year, huh? Watching the first few fireworks at the hospital. Later, the doctor came with the results, which I already explained. No one could do anything about it because every doctor in the field went on vacation and wouldn't be back until Tuesday of the following week. We couldn't take mom back home because she still needed painkillers and serum injected to her body. Mom insisted and sent my father, my brother and I home. Back at home, I bathed my doggie and let her in because of the non-stopping fireworks. As I watched the fireworks from my bedroom window and hugged my doggie, I couldn't stop thinking about my mom in pain. Her body temperature was back at normal, her appetite was normal, and she talked more, yet I couldn't help but worry. Mom was never strong, you know. That uneasy feeling made me wish no one had to go through the same thing as us (especially during the holidays). So then I just went on sending messages to my family and friends, greeting the new year that had come. My brother went to the hospital again, sent by my father, and slept in the car. 수고했어, 오빠!

For her

Fireworks near home

On Sunday, my first visit to this church this year, I greeted the people whom I was with while growing up. The kids have grown nicely and now they're healthy teenagers, and the elders have grown old as well. Later that afternoon we went to pick my mom up. We decided to take her back home because nothing could be done until Tuesday anyway, and she said the edible medicine would be enough. In case she felt extreme pain again, we'd have needed to take her back to E.R. The rest of this day was just lazy. Our bodies had been stressed for the past few days, so that was the day we finally rested.

On Monday the 2nd, I told my family that my brother, the eldest and the one whom I live with at the side house, was coming on Friday the 13th. Of course they freaked out, because he's the most strict of the members. He complains about almost everything and is such a perfectionist. He's like the inspector who checks on the main house's state, hahah. The main house was a mess. The first day I came in, I told my parents to clean and organise everything. I did it to prepare them, but it made no effect. But once they knew my eldest brother was coming, they started moving like crazy. So starting that day until his arrival, we had painters, builders and a plumber at home. I had to either stay at home to prevent them from doing anything shady or go to work.

Then on the 5th, I told my family that my brother's girlfriend was coming along. And they did really freak out. The house was even more of a mess than before. And we kept being busy.

On Friday the 6th, I went with a friend of mine, her kids, and my brother to dine at an unusual place. My first time trying s-snails! >_< It was very exotic to me, but it didn't taste anything but melted butter with garlic and oregano. Snail flavour(?) was overwhelmed by the butter mixture. It was funny to look at the kids' faces while trying their best to eat it too. I went back at home at 1:30 AM.

The following day, I was dead. I was too tired at work and the heat didn't help. My father and I were bored to death, and the shop on Wednesday and Saturdays doesn't have internet connection at all. Even my phone signal barely worked so.. I didn't even have 4G connection.

The next day, Sunday, I was invited to a small anime and comics convention. I went at around 3PM with my brother. Because it was a small convention there wasn't much to see, however, there were more people than what I had expected. None of us wore any costumes, yet people would come to us and ask either my brother or me if they could take a photo with any of us. (This is not the first time ever happening to me, it happened when I wasn't that active on my blog so I never mentioned this). I kindly refused but had to wear my mask because 1. there was a strong sweaty smell as it was quite humid and hot and 2. there were stalkers following us and taking photos without permission. I didn't buy anything, but I'll just hope that the next convention I'm invited to will have more merchandising and more interesting stuff. The cosplays were okay..ish. And the activities.. geez, whoever organised this needs a better team.

The busy days continued. On the 13th, I went out to see my best friend, who was to leave back to Massachusetts on the 15th. We bought white tees and fabric paint and wrote our nicknames on the front and one of our many inside jokes on the back. I made the outlines and she filled them in.

As our last day together, we shared a few drinks and played a little game we did back in the times. I'm not even that old to talk like this but oh well. As we said our goodbyes, none of us cried or started any drama. We knew this wasn't the end. We knew we would eventually meet again, no matter how much time passed. Also, we can keep talking via LINE and sending each other embarrassing snaps.

I went home to get my room ready for the visitors. "Sister-in-law" would be sleeping at the room downstairs while my big brother would sleep at my room upstairs, and I'd go to my other brother's room.

It's been a week since then, a long week I must add. I'll write about that in another post.

If anyone is wondering, my mom is feeling alright, though she feels pain every now and then. Also, I don't know if it was the stressful days at the hospital, or my depression from October of last year, but I've lost weight and I'm currently underweight. I'd need 6 to 8kg (13~17 lbs) more to be normal weight again. (I was checked during my stay at the hospital, zero assumptions.)

Another notice: I won't be visiting NYC this year and probably not anytime soon either.

2016 was a ride full of emotions. It was certainly not my year, but I'm still thankful for the good and bad stuff that happened. It was a year closer to reality, a year in which I matured even a little bit more.

Started my year off with a cooking accident and all I'm now left with are two battle scars: one on my right forearm and the other on my right thigh. First semester sucked because I was with a stressed and stressful group. Eventually we quit, I've already ranted about this before so I won't go into the trouble of bringing it up again. Second semester was less stressful, but depressive. I felt so bad about not picking any more classes. It was just a lazy semester when I should had been pretty busy instead. Well, that's because I quit another class, which had the same teacher as the one class that I mentioned just before.

2016 was also a year in which I reconnected to people via the internet. I don't remember being so active in Skype before, kinda reminded me of the Windows Live Messenger days. I had switched to LINE/Kakao and forgot about the other DM services. I'd pop up on Skype every once in a while just to see who was still online.. but then I'd disappear and continue with mobile apps. As you can see, I also got more active here on blogger and I hope it keeps up like this for many other years.

Talked to old and new people, most of them to never have met in the real world. It was fun and exciting. But that's what helped my depression grow once the new semester started. Going back to reality sucked, but that can't be avoided, right?

There's also a site which died that year. It broke my heart because that was the only way to talk to my beloved friend whom I never met physically, but both of us wished we did. He was enough to make me happy, and he'd always be there for me. We'd always talk and tell inside jokes to each other and send private messages when our birthdays were around and when the year ended/started (the PMs were saved unlike the chats). We met in 2008, and we continued to stay in touch until early 2016. I've left links to this blog everywhere, so hopefully he'll see this someday. I remember our online friends and game guildmates shipping us and years later we got "married". Ew, what a weirdo Remi. It took me a looong time to get over it, but now I just laugh at it and when the time comes I'm sure we'll be as close as we used to be, except for the lovers part. It's okay, we broke it in a cool way.

I spent the last few days of 2016 at the hospital. First time such thing ever happened to me or my family. I had to see the new year's fireworks from the hospital window, and then I decided to message everyone I could; wishing them a happy new year and secretly hoping that they or their family members would never end like me. In Korea we say 새해복 많이 받으세요, which translates to "I wish you a blessed year", instead of the simple "happy new year" many countries say.

I sent messages to people I talk to on a daily basis, people whom I barely talk to, and people who stopped talking to me. In other words, all those who are still dear to me. I did it with the intention of wishing them the best of the year even if I didn't say it literarily. Of course I didn't message everyone I ever talked to in my lifespan, that'd be insane and I was not in a state to do so. Staying at the hospital sucks, I selfishly wanted some of them to keep the conversation going just to get myself distracted from thinking of the bad things. (I'll go into more details in a future post.)

Some people replied nicely, some of them gave me the cold shoulder. Some of them have yet to reply, or maybe they did but I just haven't checked them yet.

If anyone is wondering how I'm doing after my birthday post, I'm doing quite good. So good that I'm questioning if those feelings were actually real or just a feeling that was way too overthought. Maybe love was too strong of a word. It was more of a someone I don't want to ever lose kind-of-feeling. It makes a lot of sense considering I caught these weird feelings when he was gone. '-' I felt bad for not reading his messages the day he sent them. It's up to him if he wants to be friends again. I've already sent him the "I'm alright now, don't worry!" indirect. Can I cringe now? 

Anyway! It's 2017 now. 2016 is forever gone. I don't want to be that common girl saying stuff like "New year, new me". After all, my motto is still the same: Be stronger than yesterday, weaker than tomorrow.

I'll write another post about my first couple weeks back at the main house.. probably in a couple days. I have to go back to the hospital this weekend and my brother (the one I live with at our apartment or "side house") and his girlfriend are visiting this Friday. They'll be here for a week.

Well then, have a wonderful week and year overall!

I tried my best. I wanted to get rid off my feelings for him and just stay as friends.
I wanted to do all of this quietly, move on and act as if nothing happened.

There’s time and place for everything, right? Unfortunately you and I chose the wrong timing.

My birthday was near. All I selfishly wanted was to have a good time, so I tried my best to avoid any hard feelings that would make me sad.

There was a four-day weekend because of a holiday here. Thursday I went to watch a movie, Friday I went to a food festival. Saturday I went out with a bunch of people to the coast side after a good reunion. Sunday.. Sunday was a day to fill my mind with other stuff so I wouldn’t end up crying. And my birthday, on Monday, I didn't know what to do.. be sad, be happy, I just didn't know what was going on. 

A sense of nostalgia hit me. It's weird adding one more number to your age and just having people assume I've grown mentally when in fact I'm still myself, a sentimental crybaby. Not sure if I'll like birthdays now, they'll depress me. But funny thing is, I enjoy celebrating friends' birthdays.

This is not the first birthday when I felt.. I don't know, sad? I remember spending my 16th and 17th birthday working and ending up exhausted to even celebrate. I remember my 18th birthday being at the funeral and not even realising it was my birthday until a friend congratulated me.

Everything was going fine. Everything was alright. Everything was.

Of course I'm thankful to all those who congratulated me, sent me a message or two, called me, spammed me with emojis. Thankful for the dinner, thankful for the gifts.

Thankful for getting hurt too, I guess.

Someday it had to happen, right? I'm glad it did. But I wish it hadn't been this week.

No, he's not at fault. I can't blame him. If there's anyone to blame for, that'd be me. I take the blame because I was mental and emotionally weak. I was a fool. No, I'm still a fool.

I foolishly fell for him. I knew it was a bad idea, a bad choice. I knew I wasn't even allowed to. Yes, I am not even allowed to catch feelings. It's a long, complicated story.

But I couldn't help it. It's not that I wanted to catch feelings. My intention was not that.

The real reason why I say love is scary is simply because of the fact that I am not allowed to fall in love with anyone, not yet. When I do, I am then forced to stop that feeling. The reason is simple, yet the content is complicated: I'm simply not allowed.

My mother had told me that if I was to like someone, in a romantic way, but didn't meet her standards, then I had to call it quits. To cut ties with them or either just stay as friends. Easier said than done, right?

If I liked someone, I'd have to stop talking to them all while hurting myself. I am forced to shut myself from others before I catch any hard feelings. I am forced to get hurt and hurt people so they stay away from me.. That's why I needed to get rejected regardless of how he felt. I needed to get hurt so I could stop liking him because I knew I had gone too far with just liking him; get rejected to move on faster.

But how can I go back as friends when he already knows how I felt about him? I have done this "go back as friends" before, (he isn't even aware of it). ..But to do that with someone who already knows? God, how am I supposed to do that? I screwed up the moment I realised I liked him. I lost him the moment I caught these feelings.

God, I know you're out there. How and why did it have to come to light near my birthday? A day when I was supposed to be happy, why do I have to see myself crying again?

Is it possible to go back as friends? Or is it now too late? Is becoming strangers the only way out? To cut ties forever? What am I supposed to do now?

To you-know-who: this is not your fault. The title is not intended to you, I did it to myself. I'm sorry I was too weak, I'm sorry I ruined ourselves. I really am.

And to myself: do something. Don't just stand there and be afraid of reading his message.

A quick summary of what happened since my last post:

-Been videochatting/texting/laughing with my friends a LOT.

-My 7 year old stylus (Wacom tablet) died.

-I'm done with classes, finals start next week.

-Spent $800 in less than 15 minutes.
-My NYC 2017 trip is at risk to get cancelled.

-Joined Snapchat all for one friend. <3
-Will be seeing my friend from the US in a months time.
-Unsteadily moving on.

-Been pretty much busy cleaning and settling the house before my visit to the main house.

--

Yesterday I went to watch Doctor Strange with a few friends. I quite much enjoyed it because of the after-credits scene HAHA. The graphics/visuals were quite good. I was really amazed because I could see the hard work right there. Someday I'll be able to do that.. someday. ;w;

Today I went to a gastronomic festival near home. There were many food trucks, stands, people and dogs! The weather was quite good. It was just perfect. Just think about it: food + dogs + nice weather = perfection! Too bad it was a little too crowded so I tried my best not to get separated from him.

Last week, I told my best friend from high school about how my "love life" was going. She was surprised I told her how I felt about a certain someone. I asked her what she thought about him and the way he talked to me. She said it seemed that he was interested in me, but couldn't tell why he suddenly stopped. She also scolded me for being too dense. ;; Then she told me to go back online on Skype, as I had been out of it for a couple of months. She told me to wait a week, to be online as much as possible, but only for a week. "If nothing happens, call it quits, he's not meant for you". Tomorrow's the last day. If I do not get any message from him, it's over. As I heard that, I wasn't sure if I wanted him to message me or not. I could finally move on and forget him as a potential lover if he didn't. But I'm pretty sure I'd be so happy if he did message me.

I had mixed feelings, I still do but I'm starting to accept the fact that he has given up on me. Over this weekend, I was out with a few other friends. As usual, we talked about relationships and future events. My guy-friends talked about how they didn't like talking to bland girls, those who only listen and the guy has to keep the conversation going. They also openly said that a guy will always look at a girl's body. Even if their personality is nice, if she's ugly she's not "interesting". Of course there are people who don't look onto that. But let's be honest, guys are more visual than feeling.

I came to understand that maybe my crush liked talking to me but that was just about it. He never saw my face, just a few photos with most of my face covered because I'm always like that. So perhaps he wasn't interested in me as a potential love companion. It's understandable. And then I realised that I can't love anyone unless I loved myself first.

There's this one guy friend that also talked about how a girl is very interesting if she had ambitions. I don't have ambitions, but I do have dreams which are two different terms. To me, having an ambition is a strong desire for something as well as being decisive for that something. In other words, having an ambition is also having certainty. Most of the time I'm indecisive, but that's because I'm okay with either way/option. I'm okay with any option, obviously depending on the situation, because I'm happy and I know I'll be as happy with either way. Or maybe, I do have an ambition, but I'm not aware of it because I'm dense. Is having my own family an ambition? Who knows. Is living a happy life an ambition? I don't think so. Everyone wants a happy life, so it's not really an ambition to me. I've told my crush that I didn't have any ambitions, because honestly speaking I don't know what my ambitions are. Having an ambition is very specific, having a dream is more open.

Again, I don't know if these can be considered ambitions. I might be mixing up some words and definitions. But I can tell you that I have yet to find what I want to do with my life.

If my crush lost interested in me because I told him I didn't have any ambitions, it's pretty understandable. And I accept that.

To have an ambition is because you want change or good in your life. You want that good because you care about your life, because you love yourself. And that's what I lack: to love oneself. Well, I do love myself, but I don't love myself enough. I have yet to accept every single flaw within me.

After seeing all this myself, I decided that I wouldn't love anyone unless I loved myself first.

Moving on to the next subject, on Sunday I talked to another friend about what happened for two weeks with my brother. As Christians we know that God tests us through hardships. And I'm happy to say that I passed one of the many more to come. She told me about a similar experience she had with her own mother. Her mother favoured her younger sister more, and she felt unimportant. She was mad at the fact that her mother didn't do anything to better or improve their relationship as mother and daughter.  Then she told me that although she wasn't at fault, she suddenly saw what was going on. "To be able to see the problem means that God wants change in you first and then He'll move onto the other person. I know it sounds hard that you have to fix the problem in which you're not in the wrong. But I'm pretty sure that once you change, the other person will somehow see it and will eventually start to change as well. God opened your eyes first because He wanted change in you first." - is what she said.

As I stated in the previous post, my brother had no idea why I was upset (or perhaps he was pretending not to know but anyway,). I kept in silence, hoping that he would realise what he had done to me. But then I broke that silence and told him (sorta) how I was feeling. I did the change. Although it was my brother's heartless words' fault for me being so upset and depressive, I did the change to break this silence. And God made him see through my tears because obviously my words weren't clear enough. God made my brother realise that what he had been doing hurt me. If I didn't break the ice, those endless nights would have continued. God opened my eyes to change the situation and when I did, my brother did as well.

Sometimes one has to change first so that the other can change as well. This process of realisation is not as fast, sometimes it takes a lot of time, the same goes for the process of change.

I'll go back to my "love life" again, because everything in this post can be interchanged with the two other posts stated at the beginning. It's already too late now though, unless I get a surprise message within 24 hours which seems to be unlikely. The reason why I can't change or break the silence between me and my crush is because I realised I liked him when were already apart. Had I realised my feelings towards him sooner, I'd have tried to keep the conversation going.

Yes, I admit I like him, but it will be over tomorrow. Yes, I'll get hurt to not have heard from him, but I'll be okay. I will change myself first before I approach anyone else. I'm shy, it will be difficult, but I will change, even if it takes me twenty years. Is this an ambition? Who knows.

There's no doubt that if my crush was to message me between today and tomorrow, I'd fall in love for him again. I'm sure I'd go back to the first stage where I was hurt to know that I couldn't have him even if I wanted. But I can promise you that I will slowly change.

God knows what the best for me is. If God wants to set me up with my crush, so be it, I'll change so he can appreciate me more. If God wants me to find someone else, so be it. I'll still change for that person.

Now, what's this "change" I keep talking about? I'm not sure, but most likely is me being shy or prideful. I've come to realise that I'm shy at first, but once my shyness goes away with someone, I get prideful. I better stop this hidden "hard to get" act I had all along. I'll stop waiting for someone to come close to me. I'll be the one to take on the initiative.

Thank you, my crush and my brother for all of this. Two people, who made me happy and then sad, are indirectly changing me for the better. I'll still have my brother near me, but to my crush: thank you and goodbye.

To the me tomorrow: Congratulations, you're moving on faster than you expected.

Sunday the 31st was the day I was out most of the day. I just didn't want to go home. I felt like running away, like losing control of my body and be forever lost. I didn't mind if a car ran over me. I didn't care if it rained and I didn't have any shelter. I didn't care if someone was trying to rob me and stabbed me with a knife, or shot me with a gun. As long as I didn't have to be 'home' with my brother, I was okay.

I barely convinced my friends to hang out with me. They were tired and wanted to go home, but thank God they changed their minds. So we spent most of the day outdoors. We went to different places. Because the weather was so good, I was hoping that my mood would get as good too. And although the girls were having fun, deep inside, there was something preventing me from really enjoying myself. A sense of emptiness. It was already night, I still hadn't come back home. Did my brother call me to ask where I was? He didn't. The night continued, and after finally getting back home, my brother and I didn't exchange any words. The day ended with me in a bad mood again.

The same routine of making his dinner earlier and me skipping meals continued. The same routine of not talking to or seeing each other continued. The same crying nights continued..

On Thursday night, I was again making his dinner. He got home and asked me something with an angry voice. Of course I replied the same way as I was still in a bad mood. And then he gets angry because my reply wasn't 'proper'. He then proceeded to ask/scold me why I was replying like that. And that's when I was about to lose it again. How ironic. You think "Shut up" is a proper reply? You think "Get lost" is a proper reply? is what I wanted to say but I was frustrated. I knew he was going to "defend" himself by bringing out something off-topic about me doing something wrong or not doing anything. I just didn't want to deal with any more. So I told him that he was treating me coldly, and as I saw it coming, he defended himself with You're the one who ignored me on Sunday. I didn't ignore him. I avoided seeing him. He didn't even talk to me, he didn't even come near me. Why does it always have to be me who has to keep this family relation? Why can't he act more like a brother?

That last question.. that's what I said out loud. Why? Why can't you just say hello back? Why can't you just reply nicely? If you're tired then at least tell me you don't feel like keeping a conversation! Do you really have to say "Shut up"?! Can't you treat me like family?! Why do you have to be like this?! -is what I tried to say. I said them out loud while crying but some words were cut off. My tears kept flowing down. My heart felt like it was ripping apart. It seemed as if I was not making any sense because my words kept getting interrupted by my sobs. Have you ever cried so much that you couldn't say full sentences, not even words? I was so angry at myself because this was a good time to tell him how I was feeling, but all I could do was cry and cry. I was frustrated that I didn't even finish making dinner and just ran away to my room. I lost it again. 

I cried nonstop, I clenched my blanket and screamed out of sorrow. I was also frustrated because he kept acting as if nothing had happened, as if I never existed. Throughout these past weeks he should've noticed that I was skipping meals or that I wasn't eating with him. He should've realised that I wasn't being myself. He should've noticed that I was always in my room. He should've heard me cry every night. But never did he ask me what was wrong. As I kept crying I couldn't take off my mind that I was this useless, this lonely and this unimportant. I somehow fell asleep.

Later I woke up, and thought maybe I was being too emotional. I wanted to reason and try to understand this from a different point of view. So I consulted my only friend who knows how things are in this house. Talking to him really calmed me down. He's a good listener. I'm deeply thankful to have met him. Yet even so, I was still under emotional pain, but this time much less severe. I skipped Friday's class because I had spent the night (Thursday to Friday) talking to my friend online.

The next night, somehow.. things seemed to be much better. My heart and mind were yet to be prepared to eat with my brother again, but I finally had my dinner even if it was too early. When he came back home, I was in my room separating some clothes to put up to donation. He came to my room and asked me nicely if I had my dinner because he saw his was already prepared. God made his way so that my brother could see through my tears about what was going on with me.

Slowly, the days were getting better. Or at least my mood was. 

On Friday night I had a group call scheduled with my closest high school friends. It really helped me cope with my emotions. I laughed a lot.. to the point of my cheeks hurting. The call started at 11PM and lasted until 10AM on Saturday. 11 hours talking and talking. Laughing while playing pictionary online. I had a blast and I was enjoying myself. I finally felt refreshened.

My brother and I were slowly in better terms. And finally on Monday we dinned together. It's been a week since then. I must admit that while we're now good, I did cry a bit while typing this post. Remembering these two weeks of sorrow, hurt me. Two weeks without eating properly, two weeks with tears and long nights. Two weeks with puffy eyes and dark circles. But now I can say this again: I'm stronger than yesterday, weaker than tomorrow.

Today, well.. yesterday Sunday, I talked with an irl friend about this. We're both Christians and what we talked about and made me reflect on is here.

Good night now, the sun is coming out already.

Left home at around 9:30PM and went to the city's port. The weather was kind of chilly, but it was perfect to me.

We went to Starbucks and had a hilarious chat about pets each one used to have.

I had the newest Coconut Mocha Latte

I was bored, so I tried this survey to find out how I truly am and what I like. I skipped the first three questions, but if anyone wants to try it out, here's the link!

For three years plus some months, my blogger page (aka journal) was quite dully designed. It had the default blogger's template with a few customisations like chosen colours and grids adjustments.
I have not even the basic knowledge of HTMLs, yet I somehow manage to edit themes the way I want to, so.. yay me? I'm still having problems with this theme but I guess it's fine so far.  I take a lot of time unfortunately..

Due to the theme's features, I decided to add at least one image per post so it will look a little bit more interesting. Of course this might be an exception to some of my serious posts (those when I'm really dark). I might even edit my previous posts to fit this criteria but I don't think I'd like to re-read them as I know there's a lot of drama and nonsense there, at least to me. Read them at your own risk. Actually no, don't read them lol.

I'm aware my few links are repeated all over the place. At the top, at the side, at the bottom. I am aware, but I don't care. I didn't want to add any very personal SNS like facebook or instagram (not that I even use that anymore) so I had to somehow fill them with other not-so-important ones ..haha. I really don't like how my images are stretched to fit the grid at the home page, but once you get to the individual post, I guarantee that you'll see them as how I set them to be; with their captions, and they won't all be placed in that one big ugly slider that you saw at the home page.

[!] - Long post!

It was a special day for the church, because the afternoon's church service is usually just The Word and a few gospels but that's well.. "normal". But since it was organised by us, there were specials like body worships (aka worship dance), drama acts, youth chorus, etc.

[!] I apologise you might not understand fully as my English words are limited when I talk about church stuff. I attend to a Korean church so religion-related English words do not come in often.

Good morning guys, my body clock decided to wake up at 6:30 AM because yesterday, Sunday 18th, I had an exhausting day. Today is one of those rare occasions in which I wake up early without a clock and even take the time to prepare some breakfast for my brother before he left to work!

The weather today is chilly again. The temperature has been switching quite a lot these past days. It was cold, then sunny (hot), then cold again.. I'm bound to catch a cold if this continues! Just stay chilly already!

Anyway, let's talk about yesterday!