I tried my best. I wanted to get rid off my feelings for him and just stay as friends.
I wanted to do all of this quietly, move on and act as if nothing happened.

There’s time and place for everything, right? Unfortunately you and I chose the wrong timing.

My birthday was near. All I selfishly wanted was to have a good time, so I tried my best to avoid any hard feelings that would make me sad.

There was a four-day weekend because of a holiday here. Thursday I went to watch a movie, Friday I went to a food festival. Saturday I went out with a bunch of people to the coast side after a good reunion. Sunday.. Sunday was a day to fill my mind with other stuff so I wouldn’t end up crying. And my birthday, on Monday, I didn't know what to do.. be sad, be happy, I just didn't know what was going on. 

A sense of nostalgia hit me. It's weird adding one more number to your age and just having people assume I've grown mentally when in fact I'm still myself, a sentimental crybaby. Not sure if I'll like birthdays now, they'll depress me. But funny thing is, I enjoy celebrating friends' birthdays.

This is not the first birthday when I felt.. I don't know, sad? I remember spending my 16th and 17th birthday working and ending up exhausted to even celebrate. I remember my 18th birthday being at the funeral and not even realising it was my birthday until a friend congratulated me.

Everything was going fine. Everything was alright. Everything was.

Of course I'm thankful to all those who congratulated me, sent me a message or two, called me, spammed me with emojis. Thankful for the dinner, thankful for the gifts.

Thankful for getting hurt too, I guess.

Someday it had to happen, right? I'm glad it did. But I wish it hadn't been this week.

No, he's not at fault. I can't blame him. If there's anyone to blame for, that'd be me. I take the blame because I was mental and emotionally weak. I was a fool. No, I'm still a fool.

I foolishly fell for him. I knew it was a bad idea, a bad choice. I knew I wasn't even allowed to. Yes, I am not even allowed to catch feelings. It's a long, complicated story.

But I couldn't help it. It's not that I wanted to catch feelings. My intention was not that.

The real reason why I say love is scary is simply because of the fact that I am not allowed to fall in love with anyone, not yet. When I do, I am then forced to stop that feeling. The reason is simple, yet the content is complicated: I'm simply not allowed.

My mother had told me that if I was to like someone, in a romantic way, but didn't meet her standards, then I had to call it quits. To cut ties with them or either just stay as friends. Easier said than done, right?

If I liked someone, I'd have to stop talking to them all while hurting myself. I am forced to shut myself from others before I catch any hard feelings. I am forced to get hurt and hurt people so they stay away from me.. That's why I needed to get rejected regardless of how he felt. I needed to get hurt so I could stop liking him because I knew I had gone too far with just liking him; get rejected to move on faster.

But how can I go back as friends when he already knows how I felt about him? I have done this "go back as friends" before, (he isn't even aware of it). ..But to do that with someone who already knows? God, how am I supposed to do that? I screwed up the moment I realised I liked him. I lost him the moment I caught these feelings.

God, I know you're out there. How and why did it have to come to light near my birthday? A day when I was supposed to be happy, why do I have to see myself crying again?

Is it possible to go back as friends? Or is it now too late? Is becoming strangers the only way out? To cut ties forever? What am I supposed to do now?

To you-know-who: this is not your fault. The title is not intended to you, I did it to myself. I'm sorry I was too weak, I'm sorry I ruined ourselves. I really am.

And to myself: do something. Don't just stand there and be afraid of reading his message.

A quick summary of what happened since my last post:

-Been videochatting/texting/laughing with my friends a LOT.

-My 7 year old stylus (Wacom tablet) died.

-I'm done with classes, finals start next week.

-Spent $800 in less than 15 minutes.
-My NYC 2017 trip is at risk to get cancelled.

-Joined Snapchat all for one friend. <3
-Will be seeing my friend from the US in a months time.
-Unsteadily moving on.

-Been pretty much busy cleaning and settling the house before my visit to the main house.

--

Yesterday I went to watch Doctor Strange with a few friends. I quite much enjoyed it because of the after-credits scene HAHA. The graphics/visuals were quite good. I was really amazed because I could see the hard work right there. Someday I'll be able to do that.. someday. ;w;

Today I went to a gastronomic festival near home. There were many food trucks, stands, people and dogs! The weather was quite good. It was just perfect. Just think about it: food + dogs + nice weather = perfection! Too bad it was a little too crowded so I tried my best not to get separated from him.

Last week, I told my best friend from high school about how my "love life" was going. She was surprised I told her how I felt about a certain someone. I asked her what she thought about him and the way he talked to me. She said it seemed that he was interested in me, but couldn't tell why he suddenly stopped. She also scolded me for being too dense. ;; Then she told me to go back online on Skype, as I had been out of it for a couple of months. She told me to wait a week, to be online as much as possible, but only for a week. "If nothing happens, call it quits, he's not meant for you". Tomorrow's the last day. If I do not get any message from him, it's over. As I heard that, I wasn't sure if I wanted him to message me or not. I could finally move on and forget him as a potential lover if he didn't. But I'm pretty sure I'd be so happy if he did message me.

I had mixed feelings, I still do but I'm starting to accept the fact that he has given up on me. Over this weekend, I was out with a few other friends. As usual, we talked about relationships and future events. My guy-friends talked about how they didn't like talking to bland girls, those who only listen and the guy has to keep the conversation going. They also openly said that a guy will always look at a girl's body. Even if their personality is nice, if she's ugly she's not "interesting". Of course there are people who don't look onto that. But let's be honest, guys are more visual than feeling.

I came to understand that maybe my crush liked talking to me but that was just about it. He never saw my face, just a few photos with most of my face covered because I'm always like that. So perhaps he wasn't interested in me as a potential love companion. It's understandable. And then I realised that I can't love anyone unless I loved myself first.

There's this one guy friend that also talked about how a girl is very interesting if she had ambitions. I don't have ambitions, but I do have dreams which are two different terms. To me, having an ambition is a strong desire for something as well as being decisive for that something. In other words, having an ambition is also having certainty. Most of the time I'm indecisive, but that's because I'm okay with either way/option. I'm okay with any option, obviously depending on the situation, because I'm happy and I know I'll be as happy with either way. Or maybe, I do have an ambition, but I'm not aware of it because I'm dense. Is having my own family an ambition? Who knows. Is living a happy life an ambition? I don't think so. Everyone wants a happy life, so it's not really an ambition to me. I've told my crush that I didn't have any ambitions, because honestly speaking I don't know what my ambitions are. Having an ambition is very specific, having a dream is more open.

Again, I don't know if these can be considered ambitions. I might be mixing up some words and definitions. But I can tell you that I have yet to find what I want to do with my life.

If my crush lost interested in me because I told him I didn't have any ambitions, it's pretty understandable. And I accept that.

To have an ambition is because you want change or good in your life. You want that good because you care about your life, because you love yourself. And that's what I lack: to love oneself. Well, I do love myself, but I don't love myself enough. I have yet to accept every single flaw within me.

After seeing all this myself, I decided that I wouldn't love anyone unless I loved myself first.

Moving on to the next subject, on Sunday I talked to another friend about what happened for two weeks with my brother. As Christians we know that God tests us through hardships. And I'm happy to say that I passed one of the many more to come. She told me about a similar experience she had with her own mother. Her mother favoured her younger sister more, and she felt unimportant. She was mad at the fact that her mother didn't do anything to better or improve their relationship as mother and daughter.  Then she told me that although she wasn't at fault, she suddenly saw what was going on. "To be able to see the problem means that God wants change in you first and then He'll move onto the other person. I know it sounds hard that you have to fix the problem in which you're not in the wrong. But I'm pretty sure that once you change, the other person will somehow see it and will eventually start to change as well. God opened your eyes first because He wanted change in you first." - is what she said.

As I stated in the previous post, my brother had no idea why I was upset (or perhaps he was pretending not to know but anyway,). I kept in silence, hoping that he would realise what he had done to me. But then I broke that silence and told him (sorta) how I was feeling. I did the change. Although it was my brother's heartless words' fault for me being so upset and depressive, I did the change to break this silence. And God made him see through my tears because obviously my words weren't clear enough. God made my brother realise that what he had been doing hurt me. If I didn't break the ice, those endless nights would have continued. God opened my eyes to change the situation and when I did, my brother did as well.

Sometimes one has to change first so that the other can change as well. This process of realisation is not as fast, sometimes it takes a lot of time, the same goes for the process of change.

I'll go back to my "love life" again, because everything in this post can be interchanged with the two other posts stated at the beginning. It's already too late now though, unless I get a surprise message within 24 hours which seems to be unlikely. The reason why I can't change or break the silence between me and my crush is because I realised I liked him when were already apart. Had I realised my feelings towards him sooner, I'd have tried to keep the conversation going.

Yes, I admit I like him, but it will be over tomorrow. Yes, I'll get hurt to not have heard from him, but I'll be okay. I will change myself first before I approach anyone else. I'm shy, it will be difficult, but I will change, even if it takes me twenty years. Is this an ambition? Who knows.

There's no doubt that if my crush was to message me between today and tomorrow, I'd fall in love for him again. I'm sure I'd go back to the first stage where I was hurt to know that I couldn't have him even if I wanted. But I can promise you that I will slowly change.

God knows what the best for me is. If God wants to set me up with my crush, so be it, I'll change so he can appreciate me more. If God wants me to find someone else, so be it. I'll still change for that person.

Now, what's this "change" I keep talking about? I'm not sure, but most likely is me being shy or prideful. I've come to realise that I'm shy at first, but once my shyness goes away with someone, I get prideful. I better stop this hidden "hard to get" act I had all along. I'll stop waiting for someone to come close to me. I'll be the one to take on the initiative.

Thank you, my crush and my brother for all of this. Two people, who made me happy and then sad, are indirectly changing me for the better. I'll still have my brother near me, but to my crush: thank you and goodbye.

To the me tomorrow: Congratulations, you're moving on faster than you expected.

Sunday the 31st was the day I was out most of the day. I just didn't want to go home. I felt like running away, like losing control of my body and be forever lost. I didn't mind if a car ran over me. I didn't care if it rained and I didn't have any shelter. I didn't care if someone was trying to rob me and stabbed me with a knife, or shot me with a gun. As long as I didn't have to be 'home' with my brother, I was okay.

I barely convinced my friends to hang out with me. They were tired and wanted to go home, but thank God they changed their minds. So we spent most of the day outdoors. We went to different places. Because the weather was so good, I was hoping that my mood would get as good too. And although the girls were having fun, deep inside, there was something preventing me from really enjoying myself. A sense of emptiness. It was already night, I still hadn't come back home. Did my brother call me to ask where I was? He didn't. The night continued, and after finally getting back home, my brother and I didn't exchange any words. The day ended with me in a bad mood again.

The same routine of making his dinner earlier and me skipping meals continued. The same routine of not talking to or seeing each other continued. The same crying nights continued..

On Thursday night, I was again making his dinner. He got home and asked me something with an angry voice. Of course I replied the same way as I was still in a bad mood. And then he gets angry because my reply wasn't 'proper'. He then proceeded to ask/scold me why I was replying like that. And that's when I was about to lose it again. How ironic. You think "Shut up" is a proper reply? You think "Get lost" is a proper reply? is what I wanted to say but I was frustrated. I knew he was going to "defend" himself by bringing out something off-topic about me doing something wrong or not doing anything. I just didn't want to deal with any more. So I told him that he was treating me coldly, and as I saw it coming, he defended himself with You're the one who ignored me on Sunday. I didn't ignore him. I avoided seeing him. He didn't even talk to me, he didn't even come near me. Why does it always have to be me who has to keep this family relation? Why can't he act more like a brother?

That last question.. that's what I said out loud. Why? Why can't you just say hello back? Why can't you just reply nicely? If you're tired then at least tell me you don't feel like keeping a conversation! Do you really have to say "Shut up"?! Can't you treat me like family?! Why do you have to be like this?! -is what I tried to say. I said them out loud while crying but some words were cut off. My tears kept flowing down. My heart felt like it was ripping apart. It seemed as if I was not making any sense because my words kept getting interrupted by my sobs. Have you ever cried so much that you couldn't say full sentences, not even words? I was so angry at myself because this was a good time to tell him how I was feeling, but all I could do was cry and cry. I was frustrated that I didn't even finish making dinner and just ran away to my room. I lost it again. 

I cried nonstop, I clenched my blanket and screamed out of sorrow. I was also frustrated because he kept acting as if nothing had happened, as if I never existed. Throughout these past weeks he should've noticed that I was skipping meals or that I wasn't eating with him. He should've realised that I wasn't being myself. He should've noticed that I was always in my room. He should've heard me cry every night. But never did he ask me what was wrong. As I kept crying I couldn't take off my mind that I was this useless, this lonely and this unimportant. I somehow fell asleep.

Later I woke up, and thought maybe I was being too emotional. I wanted to reason and try to understand this from a different point of view. So I consulted my only friend who knows how things are in this house. Talking to him really calmed me down. He's a good listener. I'm deeply thankful to have met him. Yet even so, I was still under emotional pain, but this time much less severe. I skipped Friday's class because I had spent the night (Thursday to Friday) talking to my friend online.

The next night, somehow.. things seemed to be much better. My heart and mind were yet to be prepared to eat with my brother again, but I finally had my dinner even if it was too early. When he came back home, I was in my room separating some clothes to put up to donation. He came to my room and asked me nicely if I had my dinner because he saw his was already prepared. God made his way so that my brother could see through my tears about what was going on with me.

Slowly, the days were getting better. Or at least my mood was. 

On Friday night I had a group call scheduled with my closest high school friends. It really helped me cope with my emotions. I laughed a lot.. to the point of my cheeks hurting. The call started at 11PM and lasted until 10AM on Saturday. 11 hours talking and talking. Laughing while playing pictionary online. I had a blast and I was enjoying myself. I finally felt refreshened.

My brother and I were slowly in better terms. And finally on Monday we dinned together. It's been a week since then. I must admit that while we're now good, I did cry a bit while typing this post. Remembering these two weeks of sorrow, hurt me. Two weeks without eating properly, two weeks with tears and long nights. Two weeks with puffy eyes and dark circles. But now I can say this again: I'm stronger than yesterday, weaker than tomorrow.

Today, well.. yesterday Sunday, I talked with an irl friend about this. We're both Christians and what we talked about and made me reflect on is here.

Good night now, the sun is coming out already.