want it all to end?

After my latest post, I had been depressed until late the day after (Sunday night). A friend of mine, whom I had a fight with, exchanged our apologies. That was one of the many reasons I was feeling suicidal, but the weight was lifted off after our reconciliation. Plus, I opened myself a little to her about the problems I was having. She said she'd be there for me, and that she would be my crying shoulder. It felt somewhat good, rather say.. it felt nice. I thought it was better for us to forget about the fight and move on (and it'd also help me focus on studying for my history test the next day).

So I did that during this week. I tried moving on, getting rid off this depression and getting my hopes up. I took my test, but I was tired as I hadn't slept properly so I went home instead of continuing with classes. I went home to rest, but even if I didn't do so physically, I did rest mentally. I was trying to forget every negative thoughts, encourage myself that I do indeed have a purpose in life, and that everything would eventually turn up alright.

Hello.
I guess it's time to finally announce it on the internet.
I'm someone who suffers from social anxiety and depression.

I never thought I'd be someone like that, but it just happened. Just as I was starting a new stage in life.
College life sure is a new experience. For many people this experience is somewhat good, or even better than expected; and for some other people the experience is a replica of what we call hell. Sadly, I'm part of the latter group... for now.

And possibly the worst news I could have ever imagined.

So today I got up early and went over to my classmate's house to do our project and stuff, until 4pm.
I arrived home after 40 minutes of bus riding and proceeded to make my other things.

At 9 pm, a group of friends and I went to eat cake, but ended up having starbucks as no other place was serving a delicious cake. I later overheard my friends talking about relationships.

So here's the point of today's post. Call me weird, but I don't care about relationships right now.
Yes, I'm almost in my twenties and as many people say, it's the age a girl's the most beautiful. Sure okay,  but is it really necessary to date someone at that age?

In no means am I ranting. I'm just speaking my mind. I might be liking someone right now, but I'm not crayay to go drooling over him. I believe things will go smoothly over the time. You can't die from not being in a relationship. You could die from feeling extremely lonely (depression) though.

The friends I hang out with think I don't like anyone and that I want to focus on my studies only. Well, you're totally wrong.
I do like someone and I don't want to study every time. But I also don't want to go into a relationship where I'm not sure of how it will end in the future. All I want to do is enjoy my time.

So girls, if you're feeling lonely go talk to your friends and not someone you don't know to spend the time with. Also, don't be cheap and hook up with anyone just because you feel the need to date someone right now. Everything has its time.

pd.
What I mean in liking someone is actually having an interest in someone. Like, I wonder about this person, but I don't wish he was my boyfriend or anything beyond that. He just catches my attention more than any other boy I kind of know.

Well, this isn't that random, it was just a coincidence.

On my latest post, I mentioned how I was struggling with studying history for my test, but there was another reason why I couldn't focus on studying.
You see, that same day, a history teacher from my high school passed away. He wasn't my teacher, as I chose chemistry over history but from what I could see and hear, he was an extremely nice person. He shared his experience as a journalist with the whole school and I'm sure he did it with great heart. He died of cancer, and it's such a shame he had to leave this world like that.

But why would that affect my concentration? Let me tell you. Last month, the last history teacher I had in high school had also passed away. I am not aware of what caused his death, but I'd like to believe it was just because he was old enough and not because of some sort of illness/accident.
I had him for two years before choosing chemistry, and he was such a funny teacher without the intention of doing so. He was old but a genius. He knew all about wars and revolutions. He knew history just like counting one, two, three.

I'd like to say, rest in peace Mr. Donald Mathews and Mr. David Boldt, you will be missed.
-

Now this. The big coincidence I was talking about.

March 13 2011, my grandmother. March 15 2015, my history teacher, Mr. Donald Mathrews. April 12 2015, history teacher, Mr. David Boldt.

So for some reason, they're all on Sunday and the third row of the calendar.
The two men were history teachers. Two of the three were old enough. All of them will be missed.

Yeah, you can call me weird, but I got goosebumps when I found out this pattern.

Hello everyone, long time no see in this blog.

I completely forgot about this over an entire year, so there are no 2014 year entries. 2014 was a dark year. Many things happened since my last post, and I don't think it'll be possible to write them all (or part of) in here. I apologise but my other SNS posts tell pretty much how I was doing.

Anyway, starting today I'll try to be more active again. Writing more personal stuff as ever and sharing my boring life experiences.
I'll start with the most recent news and then we'll see how it rolls..

So first, today I had a history test.
Yesterday I pretty much woke up early to go do my Sunday's activities, which is working part-time at a cafeteria. (I don't get paid though, since I do it for community service). My co-workers told me not to overwork and to just focus studying. Well, I sort of did study but it wasn't enough.
So as my shift ended, I headed home at around 2PM. I set up the hammock so that I could study outside without feeling suffocated in my own room. Guess what, I didn't quite study as I had my phone next to me and I thought I had more than enough time to study for the rest of the day.
 I honestly can't remember what I did. Just the usual time-consuming stuff I guess, like scrolling down through facebook and instagram.
Then I happened to have a cruel hating stomach ache. I don't have any proof, but I think it was the big cup of ice coffee I had drunk early in the morning and the 비빔밥 (korean mixed rice dish) I had for lunch. Either way, one of them did me wrong.
 By the time I realised it, it was already dark. I tried to focus on studying even more, but the pressure in my chest was yet to come. (I study quite well when I'm under pressure).
I had to study a text book of around 80 pages plus the notes I had written down. I had to read them, highlight them, and then study but time running ahead of me.
 As I went to the kitchen to make dinner, my brother told me that he had already called for sushi delivery. Thanks to him I had some more time to continue highlighting my texts.

The sushi came quite late, we ate what we had to eat. Frankly, those were the worst sushi rolls I've ever eaten. The rice was undercooked, and the salmon had different colours. Not to mention the cream cheese was a little bit grainy and the wasabi was not spicy enough!

Anyway, after all that ugly dinner, I headed back to my room and kept on reading and highlighting the texts. I started to get sleepy at midnight, but kept going as much as I could. I had already done 12 pages but I felt like dying. So I stopped with that and went directly onto my note book. I couldn't take it anymore so I fell asleep on the bed, with the lights still on.
Do you know how hard it is to keep yourself from not falling asleep? I kept waking up every 10 minutes for literally two hours because of my consciousness. Every time I wanted to stay awake, my eyes would go HELL NO as my lashes went heavy on me. The worst thing is that during those short naps, I'd dream about studying the texts but I had no idea what those texts were, just a bunch of complicated words I'd never seen. The dreams felt real though...and that's how I wasted my glorious time there, plus I forgot what I had studied just before because my freaking mind got confused and decided to reset.

It was 3 AM by the time I finally came back to my senses. I kept praying so that I'd have no trouble in the test. I later decided to give up on highlighting+studying the texts, and just study what I had written down on my notebook and check the images the teacher had sent us. I finally gave everything up at 5:30 to sleep one more hour, this time with the lights off.

So, I took my test after several prayers. The task was to relate and describe an image from the modernism as briefly as possible, without exceeding a page. I think I did good for someone who studied under pressure lol. The results are yet to come though, so I'll keep praying. After the test was done, class kept going. For some reason I wasn't sleepy, but hungry. Oh well.

I didn't take a nap all day long. It's already 9PM and I'm wide awake.
Time to go make dinner now, I'll post another blog entry later.