July was a stressful month except for the last week. It had its ups and downs overall.
August was so so, and September is hell so far.

Hello, today is Wednesday. A day I don't get any sleep and my friends, depression and anxiety, come visit me. I decided to make a post again, trying to be a little more active over Blogger, but also because I need to calm down.

It's a quarter before 4 AM as I'm typing right now. It has been pretty windy since yesterday and because of the wind banging against my louvre I am able to be this awake. It wasn't the wind alone though, but the depression and anxiety.

My head and back hurt from doing my homework over 20 hours, sitting in front of the screen trying to do something. However, what hurts more is my chest. It feels as if something was pressing against me, forcing me to choke constantly and hardly breathe. Yes, I'm having a mental breakdown right now. I was happy over the weekend, but once Tuesday arrived, I got this uneasy feeling right here.. right now. Again, I cried until a few minutes ago. I'm so lost in life..

Why are you feeling this way though? Answer is one word: college.
College or university, whatever people call it. That's what makes me question my entire life.
I'm aware I haven't even lived "half" of my life yet, but this stage of life is stressing me out so much. I wonder if my career, graphic design, is actually what I want to do? If it is, I hate it very much at the moment. And if it isn't, then what is it that I want to do?

In my previous post, I talked about how I just wanted to get married and skip this college student stage. But it's not only living as a housewife. Of course I want to do something more. I just don't know what that is, but I am certain I want to do a job that I can do at home.

As of now, I'd like to take a break and try to figure out what I truly enjoy doing and how I can get a profit out off it.

Taking a break means to stop going to college for some time. I'm sure I can't do that while living dependently with my brother, because he'd tell me to work instead.. which I don't want to do yet. I can't work because I can't get out of my shell and talk to strangers. I'm too shy, too weak. No, I'm simply a coward. Ahh.. I think I'll skip today's class too. My mind's starting to deteriorate.

I wish I could go home for some time. Unfortunately, my parents won't allow me to do that. They don't understand that I'm depressed and anxious. They don't even think of them as illnesses, even though it's already proved that they are.

I don't know what to do with my life right now. I want to clear off my mind from this stress. Maybe travel around or play some games only for a period of time. I want to live a future in which I'm happy to go to work.

Someone, send help.. please.

It was Saturday. I had gone to sleep a little past 2 AM. My body couldn't hold it any longer as all this week I had barely been sleeping. At around 7 AM I could hear my brother getting ready for work. He only works on weekdays, but this Saturday was an exception. 5 hours of sleep wasn't enough for the tired me, so after sending a few replies to my friends (I often just fall asleep waiting for their replies in a matter of seconds ;_;), I went back to sleep. However, now that winter is ending the sun rises earlier and I kept waking up every hour. Nevertheless! I got plenty of sleep.

I did some chores at home instead of doing my homework, and then had to leave for church and dance practice.

That day's topic was "Let's! Series part 4: Marriage". Yes, marriage! A few weeks ago I was talking to a friend about me having dreams about having kids two years ago. Well, not only were dreams about kids, but family and a husband overall. Then after a week I had another dream about marrying a guy. I didn't write it here because it was just odd haha. But anyway, back to topic, that day's words were interesting. The pastor's words were all about marriage; that it isn't the end or ultimate goal of your life, but instead it's just the beginning of your life. Marriage isn't happiness, but a process of achieving happiness. He kept saying "Go on! Get married!" Hahah, he was setting us the pressure of getting married fast. He was hurrying us!

For so long, when everything wasn't going my way (not that it is right now anyway), I'd say I just wanted to get married and live my life as a housewife because I'm old fashioned. I don't like going out, and the fact that I'd be welcoming my husband home and raising my kids just sounded right and happy. I know that even to this day there are families like that; the husband going to work while the wife does house stuff and takes care of the kids. So I still hope that I will be like that too! It's not like I want to live like that because I'm lazy. It's because I easily get depressed and/or anxious and I don't feel like going out at all. So staying at home is my best remedy, cooking and baking... and then greeting my beloved; that'd make my day! I'm very family oriented, although my family in general (aunts and uncles included) aren't like that. ^^;

Anyway, after church I was supposed to practice for our worship dance but only two people, including myself, were present while 4 were missing, therefore practice was cancelled. Even with us two, the practice room was locked.

After that we, along with a few more people, went to have dinner and some chit-chat! We had fusion food (Korean+western style) and fried chicken! I appreciate fried chicken because I can no longer deep-fry food as a trauma was generated after my cooking accident earlier this year. I ate lots!




I had a really fun night and after my friend/senior drove me back home, I was supposed to have a movie night with my internet friend. It didn't happen because I was too exhausted and none of us brought up the topic anyway. But earlier today we talked about it, and we should be watching it tonight, unless something happens.

As of today, I had dance practice and it was very tiring. The tempo is really fast and even though I know the steps, my body won't follow. I need to do some self-practice at home sigh..

I went back home and after scrolling and lurking through the internet I finally took a nap, still without doing any homework. I'll do it tomorrow for sure.. hopefully. So now that my energy is back I hope I will be able to watch the movie with my friend!

Good night~

I'd like to write down the dreams I had today before I forget them.

It's kind of weird. They might have some kind of deeper meaning, at least more than just a product of my imagination.

I had a dream in which I'd have a class party planned but I was given out homework. I had to bring something related to the country I'm currently living in, that could contribute to the said party. I bought a package of ice cream but I ended up eating them in some way, and had to buy another box yet it was too late as all the shops were closed. I think this dream is related to me procrastinating everything? My middle school crush was there too, but I no longer feel anything towards him, so it was just normal.

Then I'd suddenly be in this big music festival, my favourite band was there, the band of my high school senior was there too, and some other artists that I can't remember. I'd be cheering and fangirling over my band and the singer gave me two guitar picks! I was so, so happy because one was for me and I'd give the other one to my brother as he likes that band too and we both play(ed) guitars. Too bad it was just a dream.

Then I woke up and went back to sleep because I wanted to be with the band again. ;_; However, I dreamt about another thing.

I can't be very detailed about this one, but someone I'd constantly talked to appeared in it almost by the end. The dream itself was somewhat mysterious and a little scary for me, but I wouldn't call it a nightmare. I was with a group of people, either people I know (or kind of know), or fictional characters. There was a legend going that if you dove into this lake-like pool and found the "sparkling secret", you'd be punished for two years and would later see something worth the wait. The lake-pool was indoors, which was part of a stage or theatre (I can't really explain this). There was no light either.

We thought it was just some random fake legend, but somehow believed there was a treasure lying deep in that lake. So all of us dove in, and got out after some time. Some of us and I tried once more, and I saw something. Another person reached out for it, and as it shone brightly I was pulled out by force to the centre of the deep lake, still under water. I was chained to the ground. I was the one to be punished for two years. (Usually, when a dream seems odd, I'd be able to tell and wake up if I wanted but this wasn't the case). I was still under water, how was I supposed to survive for two years to be able to see the worthy reward?

Moments later I found myself seeing the light again, as if my body was waking up from a slumber. I can't tell how much time passed seeing just black, mind you, this is still within the dream. My eyes wide opened realising I was still under water, and right after, I was pulled up by the chains..by force again, to some sort of chamber right up still in the centre of the lake. And I saw something really phenomenal, I can't even describe it. I saw galaxies and stars, dancing in the most beautiful way. I don't know where I saw something similar for it to appear in my dream, but it was sparklingly beautiful.

After that scenery faded away, I looked down to figure out how I was supposed to go ground-floor again, and to my surprise the people that were with me were waiting for my return. They all had been trying to break the shackles that had me attached to the ground deep in the lake.

The chamber suddenly started to crumble, and chains were sent flying all over the place. The theatre was surrounded by windowed walls, by the way. Most of the chains broke these windows that had papers with drawings and doodles sticked to some of them. I jumped and somehow got down to the ground, and there.. the person that I'd constantly talked to (a real person) ran towards me, asking if I was alright. I was in shock, because we had suddenly stopped talking to each other, and then there he was in this dream. I felt like crying. I had missed this person so much. I had wondered why he suddenly stopped talking to me. I felt bad because I never initiated a conversation with him as I'm terribly shy and I get scared that I might get ignored (this is in fact true). Seeing this person made me realise that this was a dream, and I was soon to wake up. I was standing in utter shock, while this person was on his knees hugging me, showing a worried expression on his face. I said no words, my dreamy eyes were about to cry. I looked around just to be able to remember all of this before the whole place crumbled down (meaning the dream/sleep was about to be over). Right in front of me, I could see my drawings pierced through by the spear-like chain. I couldn't see what was drawn, but I am certain it was something I drew.

Um.. the place was something like this(?):

So there they are. These are the dreams I had today. After re-reading all of this, I think I liked this person I last saw in my dream. But maybe it was just an interest, or he just appeared because I'm still wondering what happened to him. I don't know. What is the secret message?

I can tell the first dream portrays my anxiousness of not being able to present a complete homework, and the second part is because I've always wanted to get something for me and my brother, from that band. But what about the latest dream? Why was I punished? Why two years? What's the meaning of those chains, the whole deep lake, the pierced drawings and that person?

Yup. August is now gone.
Current status: breaking down.

[!] - Might be a long read.

August was a ride full of emotions.
I befriended, re-encountered, and distanced myself from different kinds of people; online and offline.

My one-week vacation ended.. August 1st was the day I returned to college.

Remember my last post? I downloaded and re-played a game. Sometimes I'm happy I did that, but sometimes I regret it. I know it gave me joy and was my escape from reality, but I was just so comfortable with such fantasy that once I had to return to college, my body and mind began to deteriorate.

I no longer go to class every day. I'm partially exempt on Monday classes (I only have to hand in a report once per month), no class at all on Tuesdays, and full time class Wednesdays to Fridays. However-

I apologise I skipped July's journal! So even though it's August already, today's post is sort of a resume of what happened on the past month.

[!] - This post refers to my 'online' life unless stated.

Ever since I joined the server/game rTO back in the middle to the end of June, I never had the opportunity to fully open myself to others. I didn't really have the people to call 'friends' but I would occasionally talk to the people I saw in the game's PvP.

It had been almost 3 years and a half since the last time I played TO (trickster online), and although it's not the same server, the game was still the game as I remembered, obviously with some adjustments (but you get the idea).

I wasn't able to find my old friends (except one) or close guildmates, but I re-encountered people that somehow remembered me, and of course new friends! I joined this server a little too late, though. Many people had quit months to years back leading the server to be less populated.

Some players afk-vend, some have multiple characters and play them at the same time, and some are active players. The main map/town is what I like to call the "zombie town". They are alive, but they're also dead.

The story: