Hello.
I guess it's time to finally announce it on the internet.
I'm someone who suffers from social anxiety and depression.

I never thought I'd be someone like that, but it just happened. Just as I was starting a new stage in life.
College life sure is a new experience. For many people this experience is somewhat good, or even better than expected; and for some other people the experience is a replica of what we call hell. Sadly, I'm part of the latter group... for now.

And possibly the worst news I could have ever imagined.

So today I got up early and went over to my classmate's house to do our project and stuff, until 4pm.
I arrived home after 40 minutes of bus riding and proceeded to make my other things.

At 9 pm, a group of friends and I went to eat cake, but ended up having starbucks as no other place was serving a delicious cake. I later overheard my friends talking about relationships.

So here's the point of today's post. Call me weird, but I don't care about relationships right now.
Yes, I'm almost in my twenties and as many people say, it's the age a girl's the most beautiful. Sure okay,  but is it really necessary to date someone at that age?

In no means am I ranting. I'm just speaking my mind. I might be liking someone right now, but I'm not crayay to go drooling over him. I believe things will go smoothly over the time. You can't die from not being in a relationship. You could die from feeling extremely lonely (depression) though.

The friends I hang out with think I don't like anyone and that I want to focus on my studies only. Well, you're totally wrong.
I do like someone and I don't want to study every time. But I also don't want to go into a relationship where I'm not sure of how it will end in the future. All I want to do is enjoy my time.

So girls, if you're feeling lonely go talk to your friends and not someone you don't know to spend the time with. Also, don't be cheap and hook up with anyone just because you feel the need to date someone right now. Everything has its time.

pd.
What I mean in liking someone is actually having an interest in someone. Like, I wonder about this person, but I don't wish he was my boyfriend or anything beyond that. He just catches my attention more than any other boy I kind of know.

Well, this isn't that random, it was just a coincidence.

On my latest post, I mentioned how I was struggling with studying history for my test, but there was another reason why I couldn't focus on studying.
You see, that same day, a history teacher from my high school passed away. He wasn't my teacher, as I chose chemistry over history but from what I could see and hear, he was an extremely nice person. He shared his experience as a journalist with the whole school and I'm sure he did it with great heart. He died of cancer, and it's such a shame he had to leave this world like that.

But why would that affect my concentration? Let me tell you. Last month, the last history teacher I had in high school had also passed away. I am not aware of what caused his death, but I'd like to believe it was just because he was old enough and not because of some sort of illness/accident.
I had him for two years before choosing chemistry, and he was such a funny teacher without the intention of doing so. He was old but a genius. He knew all about wars and revolutions. He knew history just like counting one, two, three.

I'd like to say, rest in peace Mr. Donald Mathews and Mr. David Boldt, you will be missed.
-

Now this. The big coincidence I was talking about.

March 13 2011, my grandmother. March 15 2015, my history teacher, Mr. Donald Mathrews. April 12 2015, history teacher, Mr. David Boldt.

So for some reason, they're all on Sunday and the third row of the calendar.
The two men were history teachers. Two of the three were old enough. All of them will be missed.

Yeah, you can call me weird, but I got goosebumps when I found out this pattern.

Hello everyone, long time no see in this blog.

I completely forgot about this over an entire year, so there are no 2014 year entries. 2014 was a dark year. Many things happened since my last post, and I don't think it'll be possible to write them all (or part of) in here. I apologise but my other SNS posts tell pretty much how I was doing.

Anyway, starting today I'll try to be more active again. Writing more personal stuff as ever and sharing my boring life experiences.
I'll start with the most recent news and then we'll see how it rolls..

So first, today I had a history test.
Yesterday I pretty much woke up early to go do my Sunday's activities, which is working part-time at a cafeteria. (I don't get paid though, since I do it for community service). My co-workers told me not to overwork and to just focus studying. Well, I sort of did study but it wasn't enough.
So as my shift ended, I headed home at around 2PM. I set up the hammock so that I could study outside without feeling suffocated in my own room. Guess what, I didn't quite study as I had my phone next to me and I thought I had more than enough time to study for the rest of the day.
 I honestly can't remember what I did. Just the usual time-consuming stuff I guess, like scrolling down through facebook and instagram.
Then I happened to have a cruel hating stomach ache. I don't have any proof, but I think it was the big cup of ice coffee I had drunk early in the morning and the 비빔밥 (korean mixed rice dish) I had for lunch. Either way, one of them did me wrong.
 By the time I realised it, it was already dark. I tried to focus on studying even more, but the pressure in my chest was yet to come. (I study quite well when I'm under pressure).
I had to study a text book of around 80 pages plus the notes I had written down. I had to read them, highlight them, and then study but time running ahead of me.
 As I went to the kitchen to make dinner, my brother told me that he had already called for sushi delivery. Thanks to him I had some more time to continue highlighting my texts.

The sushi came quite late, we ate what we had to eat. Frankly, those were the worst sushi rolls I've ever eaten. The rice was undercooked, and the salmon had different colours. Not to mention the cream cheese was a little bit grainy and the wasabi was not spicy enough!

Anyway, after all that ugly dinner, I headed back to my room and kept on reading and highlighting the texts. I started to get sleepy at midnight, but kept going as much as I could. I had already done 12 pages but I felt like dying. So I stopped with that and went directly onto my note book. I couldn't take it anymore so I fell asleep on the bed, with the lights still on.
Do you know how hard it is to keep yourself from not falling asleep? I kept waking up every 10 minutes for literally two hours because of my consciousness. Every time I wanted to stay awake, my eyes would go HELL NO as my lashes went heavy on me. The worst thing is that during those short naps, I'd dream about studying the texts but I had no idea what those texts were, just a bunch of complicated words I'd never seen. The dreams felt real though...and that's how I wasted my glorious time there, plus I forgot what I had studied just before because my freaking mind got confused and decided to reset.

It was 3 AM by the time I finally came back to my senses. I kept praying so that I'd have no trouble in the test. I later decided to give up on highlighting+studying the texts, and just study what I had written down on my notebook and check the images the teacher had sent us. I finally gave everything up at 5:30 to sleep one more hour, this time with the lights off.

So, I took my test after several prayers. The task was to relate and describe an image from the modernism as briefly as possible, without exceeding a page. I think I did good for someone who studied under pressure lol. The results are yet to come though, so I'll keep praying. After the test was done, class kept going. For some reason I wasn't sleepy, but hungry. Oh well.

I didn't take a nap all day long. It's already 9PM and I'm wide awake.
Time to go make dinner now, I'll post another blog entry later.

Today is October 27th. The day the biggest anime convention in my town opens its door.
However, I wasn't able to go.

Since next year I'll be living in another country, I wanted to attend to this expo for the last time. I was anxious, but I only got to know about the expo yesterday. As soon as I saw the announcement, I asked my best friend if she could accompany me. She said that she couldn't since she'd be busy at the time I was available. "Oh well", I replied, "it's a late invitation anyway".

It seems like she felt bad, so she suggested me ask another friend out. Well, I thought for a couple of hours and then finally decided who to invite. But since she was without internet I decided to ask her today, (we see each other in church). I wasn't that sure that she'd go due to the lack of anime/manga interest.

If this friend didn't want to go, then my last card would be my brother. Well then, my friend said she'd "see". "Yay!", I thought until the moment she was no longer there. We were together until the moment I had to go upstairs to play the bass. When I went downstairs, there was no one.

Disappointed, I had to persuade my brother to come along with me. Going to a place alone where there are lots of guys in a dangerous city... hell no! Obviously I wouldn't go if it was like that. That's why I wanted my brother to go with me. I looked into the expo activities and there was a League of Legends competition as well as other games. "Oh that's good, my brother loves games", yet he still refused to go.

From all my "let's go~", there were many No's, but suddenly there was an "okay". Oh, how happy I was to hear that, but after half an hour he said "No, I didn't say such thing".
OH MAI GAWD. -_-

I'm completely pissed off.
Seriously, here comes my rant:
If you changed your mind, you should have said so! Why did you have to lie?! You know well you did say that. You agreed to go at the end. And then you say you never said that?! What the hell? Why do you make me look like a liar? It would be understandable enough if you were just honest and said you didn't want to interact with other people.
Also, the other you:
Why did you leave me? You knew that I was going upstairs for what 15 minutes?, yet you just left without saying anything? Why do you make someone happy and then destroy that smile?
Seriously you two. Be more reasonable and stay honest. If you didn't want to go, say so. Don't go lying or disappearing like that! You guys are selfish.
It was my last chance. Once I move out, I won't be able to attend to such events. I wanted to meet new people with the same interest (kinda, I don't like all anime genres), but you two just destroyed that one.
I know I'm shy. I know I can't talk to strangers. I know I'm not open enough. That's why I needed you.
I wanted to be with someone, feel safe, and enjoy my last expo in my hometown. Because university approaches, this might have been my last anime expo in my entire life. But it turned out that the last one is last year's, which I didn't enjoy truthfully. I had hopes it would be better. I missed such an event.
Thank you.
Just, thank you.
For ruining this moment.