My other brother (let’s call him Jack) and I went to pick them up on Saturday the 14th at 1AM. My eldest brother had his luggage checked and unfortunately, some of his stuff were taken away. It was all food, but it was food we can’t commonly find in this country or doesn’t taste as good. My brother doesn’t just stand by and watch his gifts getting confiscated, so knowing him he tried his best to convince the checker that those foods weren’t anything suspicious. He managed to retrieve a few of them, but oh well.. he wasn’t that satisfied. Because of this, my brother and his girlfriend took a while to pass through the exit doors. I went to sleep at 2:30AM after letting my unofficial “sister-in-law” ride the hoverboard.

In the morning, I went to work but spent most of the time playing pokemon ha.. and had a simple tuna onigiri (rice ball) for lunch. Then in the afternoon I went out with my friend for the last time. Much later, I was picked up to go have dinner with my family at Hard Rock. We had way too much I felt bad for having leftovers.

On Sunday after church, we went to have cooked duck at the place I mentioned in another post. Later that afternoon us four young adults played a lot with the Nintendo Wii, mainly the sporty games or those that require you to move a lot. We were pretty much tired, but we had fun. For dinner we had ravioli with scarparo sauce prepared by the girls, while both my brothers continued playing competitively. Our day ended with us playing even more.

On Monday I went to work in the morning while my parents, separately, went to get their health checked. My father and my eldest brother went to get my father a generaI check, while my mother and Jack went to see her results she had tested when she was ill. For lunch we went to a Korean restaurant with my cousin from my mom’s side and her family. I had 물냉면 (ice water noodles). In the evening, we went bowling. As we were 6 persons, we divided into teams of three. My team was alongside my father and Jack, the other team was my mother, my eldest brother and his girlfriend. Having my father in my team, it was obvious that we won! Although I must confess my eldest brother is just as good as a player. Jack is a funny yet amazing bowling player. Not because he is my brother but because he uses weird techniques like “super effect”, in which he swirls the ball instead of rolling it straight like how it is supposed to be. I'm aware players do spins effects, but his spins are too over the edge.

On Tuesday morning I stayed home with the rest of the female members (aka mom and unofficial-sis-in-law) before reuniting with the rest of the family. For lunch we went to this bakery/restaurant, where you get a full combo of salad, soup, main dish and dessert just for lunch! I finally received my package of necklaces that I had ordered two months ago over the net. In the afternoon, my brother decided to get rid off of the stuff that was no longer in use, or just trash in general. Goodbye to my guitars and the violin that no one ever played.

I arrived on Christmas afternoon. The flight was exhausting. Wasn't allowed to move for the first hour because of turbulence and it kept coming every now and then. I sat by the window, as usual. The seat next to mine was empty and then next to it was a cool lady whom I exchanged a few conversations with. We were given the migration papers after getting off from the plane, so while walking to the migration point, I wrote down my information. (Yay multitasking). Adjusting to the changing timezone was a piece of cake. The weather was hot and humid, I was feeling yucky but it didn't matter the moment I saw my parents. Thankfully, I wasn't stopped to have my luggage checked, which means my gifts (mainly food) were intact!

After my family picked me up, we went for some ice cream and then went home. My little buddy, my doggie, was kind of confused yet excited to see me. I later had a nap and spent some quality time with my parents.

On the 26th, my big family (uncles, cousins and nephews included), went to have lunch. We went to a restaurant 20 minutes away from the city, which is known for its delicious meals and live monkeys to interact with. My nephews seemed to have lots of fun.

On the 27th I hung out with my best friend from high school, who currently resides in Massachusetts, US. We walked around the shopping mall and stopped at clichéd Starbucks. Still talking about the good old days and sending snaps of me torturing some ginger man to our other friends.. we had a blast of a laugh. We then exchanged our Christmas gifts and she also gave me a few stuffs I had asked her to bring, obviously after having paid for them. And now, I finally have a new tablet! ;w;

A Wacom Intuos Pro!

Her gift! Thank you so much!

The next day I went to greet some acquittances. To name a few: my uncle and aunt, my cousins, my brother-in-law, my non-official parents-in-law (oh, childhood romance), my mom's friends, my maid, and some employees.

Following that day I had to go work at my parent's lil shop, while my father went to the main one and both my mother and brother took a flight to another city to resolve some business issue. (Damn scammers). I spent most of the day testing out my tablet.

Friday that week felt so long. I went to another shopping mall to meet up with my friends and went bowling. Seriously, that's the only sport that I enjoy playing. We played two lanes and I won both of them! They are stronger than me, but their accuracy... they need practice.

Then we talked about stuff that happened while we were apart. I had to be back at home before dinner, so that's when we said our goodbyes. Later that night my mom started to feel physically bad. I was with her the whole time, but it hurt to see her suffering as I couldn't do anything. She told me she was feeling strong cramps, but not necessarily were they cramps. She was on bed, sobbing and sweating. I held her hands tight, and called for my father. In my house, we're not easily convinced by doctors. We don't like relying on medicine, and going to the hospital is just for serious accidents. My mom was the one who taught us this, but she was also the one who begged my father to take her there. So, my parents, my brother and I went to the emergency room. My father had to look for a place to park the car, my brother went to get an emergency ticket, and I was there with my mom feeling nauseous. The service was awful. An emergency is an emergency, it's urgent. But the nurses were just telling me to wait. My mom's body temperature was low. Way too cold for me to remain calm. I had to leave my mom alone on the wheelchair because the doctor had called me to fill in my mom's information. Later they proceeded to check my mom. I was taken out from there, alongside my father. Only my brother was allowed to accompany them.

Both my father and I were tense. The night felt long, time was too slow. We feared the worst. We didn't know what was going on. Then, my parents' friends visited us. The tension wore off, but deep inside we were still worried. It was already Saturday 1AM. The friends were already gone and we could finally see mom. She was half-asleep. She was given painkillers, but even so, her body was cold and her lips were blue. Never in my life had I seen such lip colour. Her skin was very pale. I fought the tears back and as I smiled, I told her she was going to be alright. My father and I went back home, while my mom and my brother stayed. I could barely sleep, and my father hardly ever slept.

On Saturday I went to work with my dad. News already had spread, so a few acquittances asked how she was doing or what was wrong with her. She has Renal Colic. A 0.5x0.7cm kidney stone stuck on her urinary tract, which is the one causing her pain, and a 2cm one in her kidney, which, while it's still inoffensive, can cause problems in the future. We closed the shop earlier than usual, and then went to visit mom who had been transferred to another clinic. Mom, with the painkillers, was enjoying herself. She told us that the food she was given was surprisingly good, and that she might stay longer just for it. She probably told us that so we could rest assured. We stayed with her, and then waited for her return from the examinations. New Year's Eve was at the clinic. What a start of a year, huh? Watching the first few fireworks at the hospital. Later, the doctor came with the results, which I already explained. No one could do anything about it because every doctor in the field went on vacation and wouldn't be back until Tuesday of the following week. We couldn't take mom back home because she still needed painkillers and serum injected to her body. Mom insisted and sent my father, my brother and I home. Back at home, I bathed my doggie and let her in because of the non-stopping fireworks. As I watched the fireworks from my bedroom window and hugged my doggie, I couldn't stop thinking about my mom in pain. Her body temperature was back at normal, her appetite was normal, and she talked more, yet I couldn't help but worry. Mom was never strong, you know. That uneasy feeling made me wish no one had to go through the same thing as us (especially during the holidays). So then I just went on sending messages to my family and friends, greeting the new year that had come. My brother went to the hospital again, sent by my father, and slept in the car. 수고했어, 오빠!

For her

Fireworks near home

On Sunday, my first visit to this church this year, I greeted the people whom I was with while growing up. The kids have grown nicely and now they're healthy teenagers, and the elders have grown old as well. Later that afternoon we went to pick my mom up. We decided to take her back home because nothing could be done until Tuesday anyway, and she said the edible medicine would be enough. In case she felt extreme pain again, we'd have needed to take her back to E.R. The rest of this day was just lazy. Our bodies had been stressed for the past few days, so that was the day we finally rested.

On Monday the 2nd, I told my family that my brother, the eldest and the one whom I live with at the side house, was coming on Friday the 13th. Of course they freaked out, because he's the most strict of the members. He complains about almost everything and is such a perfectionist. He's like the inspector who checks on the main house's state, hahah. The main house was a mess. The first day I came in, I told my parents to clean and organise everything. I did it to prepare them, but it made no effect. But once they knew my eldest brother was coming, they started moving like crazy. So starting that day until his arrival, we had painters, builders and a plumber at home. I had to either stay at home to prevent them from doing anything shady or go to work.

Then on the 5th, I told my family that my brother's girlfriend was coming along. And they did really freak out. The house was even more of a mess than before. And we kept being busy.

On Friday the 6th, I went with a friend of mine, her kids, and my brother to dine at an unusual place. My first time trying s-snails! >_< It was very exotic to me, but it didn't taste anything but melted butter with garlic and oregano. Snail flavour(?) was overwhelmed by the butter mixture. It was funny to look at the kids' faces while trying their best to eat it too. I went back at home at 1:30 AM.

The following day, I was dead. I was too tired at work and the heat didn't help. My father and I were bored to death, and the shop on Wednesday and Saturdays doesn't have internet connection at all. Even my phone signal barely worked so.. I didn't even have 4G connection.

The next day, Sunday, I was invited to a small anime and comics convention. I went at around 3PM with my brother. Because it was a small convention there wasn't much to see, however, there were more people than what I had expected. None of us wore any costumes, yet people would come to us and ask either my brother or me if they could take a photo with any of us. (This is not the first time ever happening to me, it happened when I wasn't that active on my blog so I never mentioned this). I kindly refused but had to wear my mask because 1. there was a strong sweaty smell as it was quite humid and hot and 2. there were stalkers following us and taking photos without permission. I didn't buy anything, but I'll just hope that the next convention I'm invited to will have more merchandising and more interesting stuff. The cosplays were okay..ish. And the activities.. geez, whoever organised this needs a better team.

The busy days continued. On the 13th, I went out to see my best friend, who was to leave back to Massachusetts on the 15th. We bought white tees and fabric paint and wrote our nicknames on the front and one of our many inside jokes on the back. I made the outlines and she filled them in.

As our last day together, we shared a few drinks and played a little game we did back in the times. I'm not even that old to talk like this but oh well. As we said our goodbyes, none of us cried or started any drama. We knew this wasn't the end. We knew we would eventually meet again, no matter how much time passed. Also, we can keep talking via LINE and sending each other embarrassing snaps.

I went home to get my room ready for the visitors. "Sister-in-law" would be sleeping at the room downstairs while my big brother would sleep at my room upstairs, and I'd go to my other brother's room.

It's been a week since then, a long week I must add. I'll write about that in another post.

If anyone is wondering, my mom is feeling alright, though she feels pain every now and then. Also, I don't know if it was the stressful days at the hospital, or my depression from October of last year, but I've lost weight and I'm currently underweight. I'd need 6 to 8kg (13~17 lbs) more to be normal weight again. (I was checked during my stay at the hospital, zero assumptions.)

Another notice: I won't be visiting NYC this year and probably not anytime soon either.

2016 was a ride full of emotions. It was certainly not my year, but I'm still thankful for the good and bad stuff that happened. It was a year closer to reality, a year in which I matured even a little bit more.

Started my year off with a cooking accident and all I'm now left with are two battle scars: one on my right forearm and the other on my right thigh. First semester sucked because I was with a stressed and stressful group. Eventually we quit, I've already ranted about this before so I won't go into the trouble of bringing it up again. Second semester was less stressful, but depressive. I felt so bad about not picking any more classes. It was just a lazy semester when I should had been pretty busy instead. Well, that's because I quit another class, which had the same teacher as the one class that I mentioned just before.

2016 was also a year in which I reconnected to people via the internet. I don't remember being so active in Skype before, kinda reminded me of the Windows Live Messenger days. I had switched to LINE/Kakao and forgot about the other DM services. I'd pop up on Skype every once in a while just to see who was still online.. but then I'd disappear and continue with mobile apps. As you can see, I also got more active here on blogger and I hope it keeps up like this for many other years.

Talked to old and new people, most of them to never have met in the real world. It was fun and exciting. But that's what helped my depression grow once the new semester started. Going back to reality sucked, but that can't be avoided, right?

There's also a site which died that year. It broke my heart because that was the only way to talk to my beloved friend whom I never met physically, but both of us wished we did. He was enough to make me happy, and he'd always be there for me. We'd always talk and tell inside jokes to each other and send private messages when our birthdays were around and when the year ended/started (the PMs were saved unlike the chats). We met in 2008, and we continued to stay in touch until early 2016. I've left links to this blog everywhere, so hopefully he'll see this someday. I remember our online friends and game guildmates shipping us and years later we got "married". Ew, what a weirdo Remi. It took me a looong time to get over it, but now I just laugh at it and when the time comes I'm sure we'll be as close as we used to be, except for the lovers part. It's okay, we broke it in a cool way.

I spent the last few days of 2016 at the hospital. First time such thing ever happened to me or my family. I had to see the new year's fireworks from the hospital window, and then I decided to message everyone I could; wishing them a happy new year and secretly hoping that they or their family members would never end like me. In Korea we say 새해복 많이 받으세요, which translates to "I wish you a blessed year", instead of the simple "happy new year" many countries say.

I sent messages to people I talk to on a daily basis, people whom I barely talk to, and people who stopped talking to me. In other words, all those who are still dear to me. I did it with the intention of wishing them the best of the year even if I didn't say it literarily. Of course I didn't message everyone I ever talked to in my lifespan, that'd be insane and I was not in a state to do so. Staying at the hospital sucks, I selfishly wanted some of them to keep the conversation going just to get myself distracted from thinking of the bad things. (I'll go into more details in a future post.)

Some people replied nicely, some of them gave me the cold shoulder. Some of them have yet to reply, or maybe they did but I just haven't checked them yet.

If anyone is wondering how I'm doing after my birthday post, I'm doing quite good. So good that I'm questioning if those feelings were actually real or just a feeling that was way too overthought. Maybe love was too strong of a word. It was more of a someone I don't want to ever lose kind-of-feeling. It makes a lot of sense considering I caught these weird feelings when he was gone. '-' I felt bad for not reading his messages the day he sent them. It's up to him if he wants to be friends again. I've already sent him the "I'm alright now, don't worry!" indirect. Can I cringe now? 

Anyway! It's 2017 now. 2016 is forever gone. I don't want to be that common girl saying stuff like "New year, new me". After all, my motto is still the same: Be stronger than yesterday, weaker than tomorrow.

I'll write another post about my first couple weeks back at the main house.. probably in a couple days. I have to go back to the hospital this weekend and my brother (the one I live with at our apartment or "side house") and his girlfriend are visiting this Friday. They'll be here for a week.

Well then, have a wonderful week and year overall!

I tried my best. I wanted to get rid off my feelings for him and just stay as friends.
I wanted to do all of this quietly, move on and act as if nothing happened.

There’s time and place for everything, right? Unfortunately you and I chose the wrong timing.

My birthday was near. All I selfishly wanted was to have a good time, so I tried my best to avoid any hard feelings that would make me sad.

There was a four-day weekend because of a holiday here. Thursday I went to watch a movie, Friday I went to a food festival. Saturday I went out with a bunch of people to the coast side after a good reunion. Sunday.. Sunday was a day to fill my mind with other stuff so I wouldn’t end up crying. And my birthday, on Monday, I didn't know what to do.. be sad, be happy, I just didn't know what was going on. 

A sense of nostalgia hit me. It's weird adding one more number to your age and just having people assume I've grown mentally when in fact I'm still myself, a sentimental crybaby. Not sure if I'll like birthdays now, they'll depress me. But funny thing is, I enjoy celebrating friends' birthdays.

This is not the first birthday when I felt.. I don't know, sad? I remember spending my 16th and 17th birthday working and ending up exhausted to even celebrate. I remember my 18th birthday being at the funeral and not even realising it was my birthday until a friend congratulated me.

Everything was going fine. Everything was alright. Everything was.

Of course I'm thankful to all those who congratulated me, sent me a message or two, called me, spammed me with emojis. Thankful for the dinner, thankful for the gifts.

Thankful for getting hurt too, I guess.

Someday it had to happen, right? I'm glad it did. But I wish it hadn't been this week.

No, he's not at fault. I can't blame him. If there's anyone to blame for, that'd be me. I take the blame because I was mental and emotionally weak. I was a fool. No, I'm still a fool.

I foolishly fell for him. I knew it was a bad idea, a bad choice. I knew I wasn't even allowed to. Yes, I am not even allowed to catch feelings. It's a long, complicated story.

But I couldn't help it. It's not that I wanted to catch feelings. My intention was not that.

The real reason why I say love is scary is simply because of the fact that I am not allowed to fall in love with anyone, not yet. When I do, I am then forced to stop that feeling. The reason is simple, yet the content is complicated: I'm simply not allowed.

My mother had told me that if I was to like someone, in a romantic way, but didn't meet her standards, then I had to call it quits. To cut ties with them or either just stay as friends. Easier said than done, right?

If I liked someone, I'd have to stop talking to them all while hurting myself. I am forced to shut myself from others before I catch any hard feelings. I am forced to get hurt and hurt people so they stay away from me.. That's why I needed to get rejected regardless of how he felt. I needed to get hurt so I could stop liking him because I knew I had gone too far with just liking him; get rejected to move on faster.

But how can I go back as friends when he already knows how I felt about him? I have done this "go back as friends" before, (he isn't even aware of it). ..But to do that with someone who already knows? God, how am I supposed to do that? I screwed up the moment I realised I liked him. I lost him the moment I caught these feelings.

God, I know you're out there. How and why did it have to come to light near my birthday? A day when I was supposed to be happy, why do I have to see myself crying again?

Is it possible to go back as friends? Or is it now too late? Is becoming strangers the only way out? To cut ties forever? What am I supposed to do now?

To you-know-who: this is not your fault. The title is not intended to you, I did it to myself. I'm sorry I was too weak, I'm sorry I ruined ourselves. I really am.

And to myself: do something. Don't just stand there and be afraid of reading his message.