Wednesday, 19 August 2015

Back from Retreat

This week there was a holiday on Monday, so we had what we literally call it "holiday bridge". So my team and I went to retreat camping.
This retreat's theme was rest. Because all the team members are young adults, we face anxiety from time to time. We go to either college or work, or even both; we do feel insecure about some things.
One of the activities was "helping hand/friend", which requires you to help or give gifts to a certain person, usually of the opposite gender.

From past retreats, this one was the most calm one. For weeks we'd been told to prepare a prayer title, or a maximum of three prayers. Of course I won't say it here what it was about, but I can say it was about what I'd been posting here on my blog. So in this Christian retreat I finally let my dying soul cry out loud. I needed to get rid off those dark feelings. Cry all that depression out and finally clear my heart and mind.

But on the last day out of the three, I lost control of my renewed heart.

Monday, 27 July 2015

No music, no life

Hello, I'm currently feeling a little bit down as my music files are lost gone. I really lost a huge part of my life and it's gonna take a long time before I recover them, if I ever get to do so.
I couldn't believe it at first, but now I'm slowly trying to calm down. I've been feeling blank ever since.

So here's the story:

Friday, 24 July 2015

Goodbye finals, first half 2015!

Is this the first time I'm posting while it still is morning?
How come? Who would have known?
Well, it's because I'm done with my finals!

Thank God the last one was quite a light one. Friday classes were photography class for this semester. And for the final exam, I had to present a themed photograph which had been the class' project for two months or so. We already had a presentation day, but the task for the final was to either leave it as if or improve it.

My theme was "melancholic solitude". And I chose to take photos in a park nearby.

I re-took some photos to improve my grade, but due to season changes from fall to winter, the time span was shorter to get the right light exposure and colours, so I ended up handing over the same photograph. I managed to maintain the same grade though, which was an 8/10 (A- or A).

Now that the first semester is done. I can finally rest.... for a week, ugh. ~_~; Sucks that the second semester starts right away. Boohoo.

Monday, 20 July 2015

God is awesome!

So today I had my third final exam. I'm halfway through till I finish this semester!
This one was probably the most stressing one out of the five subjects I have this first half. Well, after all, this particular subject I'm talking about is no other than history. No matter how many times I've said this, I still dislike history! And what could be any worse than a history final? Answer: an oral exam.

I totally suck at oral tests, so much that I even forget my own name. But hey, instead of studying beforehand just to make sure I do fine in this test, I spent my free days doing... other things. I could've put "nothing" instead, but I sure did more than nothing. Most of them were re-doing my presentations/projects for the other subjects as last week was the first week of finals.

However, I must admit that I had the weekend to study for history. But did I? Of course not! Yeah, shame on me. So as time went flying, it was already Sunday... or rather say, the end of Sunday. It was already 1AM, just 7 hours before it was time to take the test, and my books yet to be open.

Sunday, 5 July 2015

Hey guys, I'm still alive

Yep. I'm still breathing and surviving.

After my latest post, things started to get better and worse and so on. But through that I learnt that life works just like that. You happen to have the best day ever and then the worst sh*t ever. (Wow, that's the first time I've written like that but I'm dead serious today). So yeah, I'm valuing my life more and more.

I read my past blog entries and honestly, I sounded so lame. But I feel that way because I'm NOT in a bad mood today. Though I'm still sad that I have little time left of the weekend before boring Monday arrives. Those entries about suicide are so lame I want to bury myself in dirt, but I'll keep them posted just to prove myself and anyone else that I'm finally over those thoughts.... maybe (?)

Anyway! This post is to let you readers know that I'm still living and slowly, yet steadily, moving on. Nope, my life is not getting perfectly better but like I've said earlier, I am getting my ups and downs (and I should be worrying), but instead of pitying myself over that, I'm trying to give off a smile continuing with my belief that good things will happen sooner or later. I'm keeping my hopes up.

I flunked at a project in college (both due by and second chance OTL) and I don't know how to improve it, but I'm not depressed over that. Maybe I'll be in the near future for the last chance, but today is not the day! I also have a history final in two weeks and the worst thing is that it's an oral exam, which unfortunately are my weaknesses (history and oral), but then again I'm not worried today. Could this be because of my procrastinating habits? Hahah.

So.. in summary, the reason I came across to this post was to finally realise that life is not only about good things. God himself let us know that He does not intend to give us good stuff only. We'll suffer and have bad days, but if we hold onto Him then everything will turn out fine.

The following is a bible verse that has helped me during my project presentations the past month. I hope it does the same for you.

Proverbs 16:3 - Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and He will establish your plans.

Sunday, 10 May 2015

Don't you sometimes..

want it all to end?

After my latest post, I had been depressed until late the day after (Sunday night). A friend of mine, whom I had a fight with, exchanged our apologies. That was one of the many reasons I was feeling suicidal, but the weight was lifted off after our reconciliation. Plus, I opened myself a little to her about the problems I was having. She said she'd be there for me, and that she would be my crying shoulder. It felt somewhat good, rather say.. it felt nice. I thought it was better for us to forget about the fight and move on (and it'd also help me focus on studying for my history test the next day).

So I did that during this week. I tried moving on, getting rid off this depression and getting my hopes up. I took my test, but I was tired as I hadn't slept properly so I went home instead of continuing with classes. I went home to rest, but even if I didn't do so physically, I did rest mentally. I was trying to forget every negative thoughts, encourage myself that I do indeed have a purpose in life, and that everything would eventually turn up alright.

Saturday, 2 May 2015

A little bit more about me.

I guess it's time to finally announce it on the internet.
I'm someone who suffers from social anxiety and depression.

I never thought I'd be someone like that, but it just happened. Just as I was starting a new stage in life.
College life sure is a new experience. For many people this experience is somewhat good, or even better than expected; and for some other people the experience is a replica of what we call hell. Sadly, I'm part of the latter group... for now.