Sunday, 10 May 2015

Don't you sometimes..

want it all to end?

After my latest post, I had been depressed until late the day after (Sunday night). A friend of mine, whom I had a fight with, exchanged our apologies. That was one of the many reasons I was feeling suicidal, but the weight was lifted off after our reconciliation. Plus, I opened myself a little to her about the problems I was having. She said she'd be there for me, and that she would be my crying shoulder. It felt somewhat good, rather say.. it felt nice. I thought it was better for us to forget about the fight and move on (and it'd also help me focus on studying for my history test the next day).

So I did that during this week. I tried moving on, getting rid off this depression and getting my hopes up. I took my test, but I was tired as I hadn't slept properly so I went home instead of continuing with classes. I went home to rest, but even if I didn't do so physically, I did rest mentally. I was trying to forget every negative thoughts, encourage myself that I do indeed have a purpose in life, and that everything would eventually turn up alright.

That was the start of this week, but as time kept moving forward, my body started feeling restless. I had a project due to Tuesday, another test on Wednesday and theory class on Thursday. But I didn't attend classes on Friday due to fatigue. Since Thursday my left eye has been twitching every now and then... even now, after three days, it still does so. It's better now, from a constant twitch to a slow/'rare' one. I was worried though. At first I thought it was just a normal occasional twitch, but then I got really worried as it kept going throughout the days. I asked my brother's friend, a medicine student, about it and she said it was because of stress and tiredness.

I slept until late morning on Saturday, believing it was enough sleep for my eyes and body. Wrong, it kept twitching. That night, I went with the group to chill, we went bowling. Now.. I don't really like bragging, but I do fairly good in bowling games. I thought I would relieve my stress by playing a nice game but ARGH! I stressed even more. It was the first time I ever played so bad.

Today is Sunday. I was fine until some time. My eye barely twitched, yet it still wasn't back to normal. The cafeteria I work part-time in was messed up. The machine wasn't working and one of my co-workers didn't come. Also, the other one is quitting. Bad luck, Remi, bad luck.
As for the afternoon, I was waiting for my friend who was in a meeting, among other friends. I was indecisive as to what to do after she was done with the meeting. So at the end we went to a little cafeteria to have some cupcakes and tea. My friends were talking, but somehow I felt empty. I was away from their conversation, as if I didn't belong to the subject. Well, of course I didn't belong to the subject but I felt as if I shouldn't be there having tea and stuff with them. My thoughts were somewhere else, and as a excuse I acted as if I was sleepy. My heart was crying.

I was feeling sad. I didn't know why. I just knew, that I didn't belong here. There was miscommunication. No interest in their talk, no feelings of being part of that group. I just felt apart. I'm the new girl into the group, so I don't know their background. I don't know whom they are talking about nor their relationship with other people. It felt like they had a secret of their own, and I was excluded. And maybe that's how lonely I've been feeling since the past year. They're my friends but not the closest friends. They're people I see every weekend, but I'm still missing parts of their lives.

I don't want people to pity me, but I also don't want them to ignore me. I know I have to talk to them, approach them. But somehow, it's hard for me. I'm not used to being social, or the one to initiate a conversation with people.

So after the tea time, one friend and me left the table. They had a dinner planned for later, but I stayed out because of lack of money. I spent way too much this weekend that it made me feel bad for my hard-working brother. I went home and sighed heavily. I went to my room and proceed to cry silently in hopes of falling asleep.

However, I'm not feeling suicidal but rather lonely and sad. I still hold onto my hopes that everything will get better. So now I want to end these feelings not with suicide, but with hope. A smile that will brighten my tainted heart. A light in my darkness, a hope in my despair. Will you be that hope? (cheesy line there but heartened).

So this post is to anyone going through this stage.
End those negative feelings with a smile. Hit me up if you want me to hear your stories, either by comments or e-mail. I will also pray for you, as I'll keep doing it for myself and everyone suffering the same illness.
Stay strong people, for you and for me.

Saturday, 2 May 2015

A little bit more about me.

Hello.
I guess it's time to finally announce it on the internet.
I'm someone who suffers from social anxiety and depression.

I never thought I'd be someone like that, but it just happened. Just as I was starting a new stage in life.
College life sure is a new experience. For many people this experience is somewhat good, or even better than expected; and for some other people the experience is a replica of what we call hell. Sadly, I'm part of the latter group... for now.

The times I've cried in this stage are countless. I never felt so alone in my entire life. The fact that I got into college did not only mean to leave my high school classmates behind, but also my home.
As I stated in another blog post (and my other SNS), I moved to another country and ever since lived with my brother. My brother and I aren't that close, plus the age gap. We also have different ideals and points of view. We pursue different goals and we think differently overall. So he does not understand me as I don't understand him.

That's why I'm alone. I may have 'friends', but I don't have THE friend to talk about this matter. I don't have that special someone that listens to me and comforts me. I lack that part.

Ever since I realised how lonely I was, the thoughts of suicide have come round and round. Not just because I was feeling alone, but because I don't have a purpose in life. I have no visions of myself. I do nothing all day. I like to sleep and live in a fantasy dream. I don't like the term reality at all. I always think that I'm useless to my brother who always wishes I was more productive throughout the day. I have no goals but only wishes. I want the final product without going by steps.

I have tried different ways to cope with depression, yet I still haven't talked to anyone about this. I keep trying to fix this illness by myself, all alone. As contradictory as it sounds, I want to stop feeling alone by being alone. I want to meet people but at the same time I want to be away from them. Isn't it stupid, or rather say... funny? It's ridiculous.

I used to be innocent, but now I'm this crazy psycho that only thinks about death. I'm Christian so I tend to say "I want to go to Jesus as soon as possible and rest in peace forever. I don't mind leaving this world right now" instead of the common "goodbye cruel world".

Please send help.

Thursday, 23 April 2015

Bad news

And possibly the worst news I could have ever imagined.

Today was being a good day (having the time to do my nails and other stuff) until just an hour before tomorrow when I heard it from my brother as he ate his dinner:
My mother's shop was stolen. Yes, I said stolen, not robbed.

Here's the story:
Over the years my mom had a fabric shop which opened only on Wednesdays and Saturdays, not due to her own choice but because the place it is located in makes her do that. This shop was registered with my mom's elder sister (my aunt) but it was basically my mom's. My aunt, as far as I know, never opened that shop nor she ever sold anything in there. It was just registered under her name so - for more than 15 years I thought my aunt was kind enough to give her little sister this shop to make a living out of it. Heck, I don't even know when she let my mom use that local but I have no memories of her living in that town AT ALL. Yes, she's been living in another country (where I am now) while my mom was running that shop.

My dad took the time to add and repair all the furnitures. My family went through so much for the shop to rise, pays debts, import fabric, and have its own reputation until - today. All of our efforts were supposed to be paid off in the future but that's getting ripped off. How? Why? My aunt suddenly decided to give the grown shop to her daughter, my cousin. asdfdsjafrig. I just can't think nicely/straight. I'm so mad at her right now.

I mean.. how can she be like that? For more than I can remember (and I'm talking about YEARS) my family, specially my mom, effing ran the shop while my aunt was living a good life in another country, just for it to be now gone?! Let me tell you something. That shop back in time was NOTHING. My mom made it into a shop. Her efforts. Just to be snatched away easily by my aunt. And I say 'easily' because my aunt is horrendously difficult to win. She's really stubborn.

Here's another reason why to be this upset: it's not like my family only has that shop which opens two days a week. We have another local, but let me tell you - that counts as nothing. Everyday my dad calls me, and when I ask him how the business is going in the second local (open on M,T,TH,F's) he ALWAYS replies with "no sales so far", by the end of the day he either has sold to two customers or none at all.

It hurts me SO MUCH whenever I hear those words. I pity my family a lot. I pity ourselves when I shouldn't, but I can't stop feeling this sorrow. I'm glad my parents are only paying my second brother's tuition as the eldest pays for his and mine. But still, university costs so damn much.

I can't see the logic behind to my aunt's decision. Sure, she's giving it to her own daughter; but come on, the location where the shop is in only sells fabrics! Everyone in that town knows that! Oh yeah, you have been living in another country for sooo long but it's common sense to figure that out!
Forgot to mention: my aunt's currently visiting the country/town my mom is living in, and my cousin, who is also living there, had her first baby a few months ago.
But really, REALLY?!

My cousin has her own shop and it runs quite successfully. Why do you want to take away your younger sister's most successful shop after so many damn years?!
Can you see how much anger I have right now? I'm totally upset I cannot believe it.

Really, I wish she could think over again. I'd really like to prove my brother wrong when he kept saying that "in business, the word family doesn't exist". It's a lot of pain for me to handle. I wish this was a dream, just a bad dream.

I'm seriously in tears. Last year was my worst year so far with the financial problems I had. I wanted to f'ing DIE. I kept crying every night hoping for that hell to end. On new year's eve I prayed so much for 2015 to be a comeback for the good days. I was hopeful that 2015 would be a much much better year. But I feel like that hope is crushing again. I'm furious with the bad luck my family is having. How can I not cry over that?! Am I just being selfishly unfair?

I don't know where I want to be now. I wish I could just die and rest in peace, because I am sick of this drama. I am sick of this suffering. I want someone to help me out, I want someone to comfort me while I am feeling this way.

Whoever reads this, I beg you, please pray for me and my family. Help us find a solution. There's so much stress in my family right now that we can't sleep enough. Please help us.

Saturday, 18 April 2015

Call me weird but,

So today I got up early and went over to my classmate's house to do our project and stuff, until 4pm.
I arrived home after 40 minutes of bus riding and proceeded to make my other things.

At 9 pm, a group of friends and I went to eat cake, but ended up having starbucks as no other place was serving a delicious cake. I later overheard my friends talking about relationships.

So here's the point of today's post. Call me weird, but I don't care about relationships right now.
Yes, I'm almost in my twenties and as many people say, it's the age a girl's the most beautiful. Sure okay,  but is it really necessary to date someone at that age?

In no means am I ranting. I'm just speaking my mind. I might be liking someone right now, but I'm not crayay to go drooling over him. I believe things will go smoothly over the time. You can't die from not being in a relationship. You could die from feeling extremely lonely (depression) though.

The friends I hang out with think I don't like anyone and that I want to focus on my studies only. Well, you're totally wrong.
I do like someone and I don't want to study every time. But I also don't want to go into a relationship where I'm not sure of how it will end in the future. All I want to do is enjoy my time.

So girls, if you're feeling lonely go talk to your friends and not someone you don't know to spend the time with. Also, don't be cheap and hook up with anyone just because you feel the need to date someone right now. Everything has its time.

pd.
What I mean in liking someone is actually having an interest in someone. Like, I wonder about this person, but I don't wish he was my boyfriend or anything beyond that. He just catches my attention more than any other boy I kind of know.

Thursday, 16 April 2015

Coincidence?

Well, this isn't that random, it was just a coincidence.

On my latest post, I mentioned how I was struggling with studying history for my test, but there was another reason why I couldn't focus on studying.
You see, that same day, a history teacher from my high school passed away. He wasn't my teacher, as I chose chemistry over history but from what I could see and hear, he was an extremely nice person. He shared his experience as a journalist with the whole school and I'm sure he did it with great heart. He died of cancer, and it's such a shame he had to leave this world like that.

But why would that affect my concentration? Let me tell you. Last month, the last history teacher I had in high school had also passed away. I am not aware of what caused his death, but I'd like to believe it was just because he was old enough and not because of some sort of illness/accident.
I had him for two years before choosing chemistry, and he was such a funny teacher without the intention of doing so. He was old but a genius. He knew all about wars and revolutions. He knew history just like counting one, two, three.

I'd like to say, rest in peace Mr. Donald Mathews and Mr. David Boldt, you will be missed.
-

Now this. The big coincidence I was talking about.
March 13 2011, my grandmother.March 15 2015, my history teacher, Mr. Donald Mathrews.
April 12 2015, history teacher, Mr. David Boldt.
So for some reason, they're all on Sunday and the third row of the calendar.
The two men were history teachers. Two of the three were old enough. All of them will be missed.

Yeah, you can call me weird, but I got goosebumps when I found out this pattern.

Monday, 13 April 2015

It's 2015

Hello everyone, long time no see in this blog.

I completely forgot about this over an entire year, so there are no 2014 year entries. Boohoo.
Many things happened since my last post, and I don't think it'll be possible to write it all (or part of it) in here. Sorry! But my other SNS posts tell pretty much how I was doing.

Anyway, starting today I'll try to be more active again. Writing more personal stuff as ever and sharing my boring life experiences.
I'll start with the most recent news and then we'll see how it rolls..

So first, today I had a history test.
Yesterday I pretty much woke up early to go do my Sunday's activities, which is working part-time at a cafeteria. (I don't get paid though, since I do it for community service). My co-workers told me not to overwork and to just focus studying. Well, I sort of did study but it wasn't enough.
So as my shift ended, I headed home at around 2PM. I set up the hammock so that I could study outside without feeling suffocated in my own room. Guess what, I didn't quite study as I had my phone next to me and I thought I had more than enough time to study for the rest of the day.
 I honestly can't remember what I did. Just the usual time-consuming stuff I guess, like scrolling down through facebook and instagram.
Then I happened to have a cruel hating stomach ache. I don't have any proof, but I think it was the big cup of ice coffee I had drunk early in the morning and the 비빔밥 (korean mixed rice dish) I had for lunch. Either way, one of them did me wrong.
 By the time I realised it, it was already dark. I tried to focus on studying even more, but the pressure in my chest was yet to come. (I study quite well when I'm under pressure).
I had to study a text book of around 80 pages plus the notes I had written down. I had to read them, highlight them, and then study but time running ahead of me.
 As I went to the kitchen to make dinner, my brother told me that he had already called for sushi delivery. Thanks to him I had some more time to continue highlighting my texts.

The sushi came quite late, we ate what we had to eat. Frankly, those were the worst sushi rolls I've ever eaten. The rice was undercooked, and the salmon had different colours. Not to mention the cream cheese was a little bit grainy and the wasabi was not spicy enough!

Anyway, after all that ugly dinner, I headed back to my room and kept on reading and highlighting the texts. I started to get sleepy at midnight, but kept going as much as I could. I had already done 12 pages but I felt like dying. So I stopped with that and went directly onto my note book. I couldn't take it anymore so I fell asleep on the bed, with the lights still on.
Do you know how hard it is to keep yourself from not falling asleep? I kept waking up every 10 minutes for literally two hours because of my consciousness. Every time I wanted to stay awake, my eyes would go HELL NO as my lashes went heavy on me. The worst thing is that during those short naps, I'd dream about studying the texts but I had no idea what those texts were, just a bunch of complicated words I'd never seen. The dreams felt real though...and that's how I wasted my glorious time there, plus I forgot what I had studied just before because my freaking mind got confused and decided to reset.

It was 3 AM by the time I finally came back to my senses. I kept praying so that I'd have no trouble in the test. I later decided to give up on highlighting+studying the texts, and just study what I had written down on my notebook and check the images the teacher had sent us. I finally gave everything up at 5:30 to sleep one more hour, this time with the lights off.

So, I took my test after several prayers. The task was to relate and describe an image from the modernism as briefly as possible, without exceeding a page. I think I did good for someone who studied under pressure lol. The results are yet to come though, so I'll keep praying. After the test was done, class kept going. For some reason I wasn't sleepy, but hungry. Oh well.

I didn't take a nap all day long. It's already 9PM and I'm wide awake.
Time to go make dinner now, I'll post another blog entry later.

Sunday, 27 October 2013

Vertigo (anime expo) and selfish people

Today is October 27th. The day the biggest anime convention in my town opens its door.
However, I wasn't able to go.

Since next year I'll be living in another country, I wanted to attend to this expo for the last time. I was anxious, but I only got to know about the expo yesterday. As soon as I saw the announcement, I asked my best friend if she could accompany me. She said that she couldn't since she'd be busy at the time I was available. "Oh well", I replied, "it's a late invitation anyway".

It seems like she felt bad, so she suggested me ask another friend out. Well, I thought for a couple of hours and then finally decided who to invite. But since she was without internet I decided to ask her today, (we see each other in church). I wasn't that sure that she'd go due to the lack of anime/manga interest.

If this friend didn't want to go, then my last card would be my brother. Well then, my friend said she'd "see". "Yay!", I thought until the moment she was no longer there. We were together until the moment I had to go upstairs to play the bass. When I went downstairs, there was no one.

Disappointed, I had to persuade my brother to come along with me. Going to a place alone where there are lots of guys in a dangerous city... hell no! Obviously I wouldn't go if it was like that. That's why I wanted my brother to go with me. I looked into the expo activities and there was a League of Legends competition as well as other games. "Oh that's good, my brother loves games", yet he still refused to go.

From all my "let's go~", there were many No's, but suddenly there was an "okay". Oh, how happy I was to hear that, but after half an hour he said "No, I didn't say such thing".
OH MAI GAWD. -_-

I'm completely pissed off.
Seriously, here comes my rant:
If you changed your mind, you should have said so! Why did you have to lie?! You know well you did say that. You agreed to go at the end. And then you say you never said that?! What the hell? Why do you make me look like a liar? It would be understandable enough if you were just honest and said you didn't want to interact with other people.
Also, the other you:
Why did you leave me? You knew that I was going upstairs for what 15 minutes?, yet you just left without saying anything? Why do you make someone happy and then destroy that smile?
Seriously you two. Be more reasonable and stay honest. If you didn't want to go, say so. Don't go lying or disappearing like that! You guys are selfish.
It was my last chance. Once I move out, I won't be able to attend to such events. I wanted to meet new people with the same interest (kinda, I don't like all anime genres), but you two just destroyed that one.
I know I'm shy. I know I can't talk to strangers. I know I'm not open enough. That's why I needed you.
I wanted to be with someone, feel safe, and enjoy my last expo in my hometown. Because university approaches, this might have been my last anime expo in my entire life. But it turned out that the last one is last year's, which I didn't enjoy truthfully. I had hopes it would be better. I missed such an event.
Thank you.
Just, thank you.
For ruining this moment.